So as the wheels of motivation were spinning in earnest 2 weeks ago, unfortunately it appears that meanwhile the wheels of my physical condition were actually rapidly spinning themselves off at the same time. Again my body let me down and I was sidelined for the 3rd time this year, this time with Shingles.. Eh?? Isn't that something old people suffer from? Apparently more often old people, however also those so run down and physically depleted that their body cries out for help... Right. Guess I was more run down than I was giving myself credit for.
For those playing at home who may not be familiar with the virus, Shingles is essentially caused by the same virus as chicken pox. Anyone who has suffered from chicken pox (as I did quite severely at 5 years old), the virus lays dormant within your nerve cells and can flare up and re emerge as Shingles later in life. Shingles typically presents itself as a painful rash that follows along a nerve within your body. The rash follows other fun things such as nerve pain, tiredness, flu like symptoms, headache, light sensitivity.. you know, the good stuff. In my case it attacked on the right side of my neck and head, apparently stemming from one of the cervical nerves.
It hurts. A lot. In the week leading up to the blistering rash, I thought I had a 'stiff neck' from sleeping funny or something. I was also dog-tired, head achey and just not feeling well. The stiff neck type pain escalated into a nerve pain, electric shocks running up and down my neck, shoulder and head, and making me dizzy with pain. So then I figured I better get it checked out, so I saw one of the GPs I work with and she diagnosed me with Shingles, prescribed some anti-viral medication in an attempt to shorten its time-span, and gave me a stern word about being too stressed and run down for my own good and that I need to rest more.
The beginning of the rash.. Eew
No rest for the wicked?
Rest is not something that I do well. Being told that I need to rest to combat the latest attack on my health is definitely easier said than done. Unfortunately my current work set up at the private practice that I work at does not make it easy for me to take any time off, so the only time away from work that I actually managed during the last couple of weeks was a grand total of 4 hours, and this only happened because I simply reached the breaking point of my pain threshold halfway through one day and had to put down my instruments and take myself home. Stopping 3 times along the drive home just to keep myself safe and able to concentrate gave me concrete evidence that I was simply too sick to be anywhere but home. Additionally, I had to attend a compulsory class on Thursday morning, as I have recently begun post graduate study at Melbourne University and cannot get out of certain attendance requirements. My only god-send was that I didnt have to go to Latrobe Uni for teaching on Thursday evening, as they said that they would send me home if I turned up anyway as I need to rest up and get better, they could manage without me or cover my shifts for two weeks. I'm not even going to pretend that I was positive through any of this or good enough to remember that there are many worse off than me (and there are). I was miserable the last couple of weeks. Pain can do weird things to your outlook. I'm on the mend and feeling alot better, however I am definitely still not feeling myself yet.
To be continued..
And training? What training? Yet another health set back has now firmly put me behind the 8-ball with less than 3 months to go now until the half ironman, so I headed to both the sports doctor and to my psychologist for some professional guidance. Essentially, the take home summary is that I am realistically no chance to get myself in any type of suitable condition to complete an endurance event such as a half ironman within the time frame I'm looking at. I simply do not have the physical foundation to work from following the latest set back. Three strikes and I am out. I need to have enough respect for the distance to recognise that.
This does not count me out altogether forever, but it does count me out for any events in 2014. Although it was still ultimately my decision to make, on good advice I have recognised that I need to first and foremost concentrate on getting healthy, strong, and have a decent base of fitness before I even consider upping the ante for endurance distance. I need a stronger foundation to work from. Honestly, I have been attempting to build on a base that just isnt strong enough and my body has broken down on more than one occasion in protest. I rattled around this decision in my mind for a couple of days, I walked and attempted a run on it (further proof how far away from my goals I truly am right now) and reached this decision positively rather than regretfully.
As a wise older woman recently mentioned to me last week, who incidently ran her first marathon at age 48 and her last at 67, after only taking up running in her forties and also having rheumatoid arthritis. "Why are you in such a hurry?" , "As a woman in your mid 30s, you have plenty of time and future opportunity to reach these goals." , "You will reach them, but work towards them the right way". She is so right. Why am I in such a hurry? What am I trying to prove and to whom? So I took a good step back from pride, weighed up my priorities and my motivation, and decided that I wanted to take the pressure off myself.
Countdown to race day .... to be advised.
This does not mean that I no longer train. Nor does it mean that I lose all structure and self control and become an unhealthy couch potato. It simply means that I scale back the mileage, focus on achieving greater balance, health, goal weight etc for myself. This will provide me a new opportunity to learn more about myself, try some new exercises, and essentially get back in sync with the humming tunes of my body.
A more important list than my standard 'To-Do' List
The doctor made me write down a list of the physical set-backs that had occurred since April this year so that I could see in black and white where I was truly at. Not pretty. The psychologist gave me a similar exercise to recognise the emotional and life events as well as the physical issues that I was not allowing myself to work through and build strength from. Discussion with my psychologist helps me recognise my tendency to disappear into a bubble of stress, take on more than I can chew, and stop listening to the most important voice of all. My own.
Diagnosis? - I think I am my own stubbornly worst enemy haha.
Ahem, this is the hard part. So here is a combined list that I worked on of what was identified as possibly effecting both my stress levels and my health throughout 2014. Also that I have been foolishly ignoring and neglecting to address:
Physical:
- Fractured sacrum - 8-10 weeks minimal training until healed
- Tonsillitis - 1-2 weeks in struggle town, more time off training
- Shingles - 2 weeks minimum rest before allowed to return to full training
- Weight issues - constantly fluctuating weight, currently still 10-12 kg overweight. Impacts effective training, performance and recovery.
- Insomnia - intermittent sleep deprivation does not maketh a fully functioning woman or aid recovery or energy levels
Emotional, mental, environmental... other:
- Emotional eater - see above weight issues (Yes I do sometimes eat my feelings!)
- 40+ hours working/studying - difficulty with time management strategies for training and growing work stress
- Post-graduate study - I began my new degree in Psychology in July. I love it but it increases my responsibilites and time pressure away from work.
- Changed work hours/addition of new work - even though I have recently reduced hours at the private clinic from 40 to 32 hours, I am actually still seeing the same number of clients, just condensed into 4 days instead of spread over the original 5-6 days. The 'spare' day on Thursday is now filled up with morning classes as a student at one Uni followed by teaching Podiatry at another Uni in the evening. So I'm actually busier rather then less so as originally planned.
- Death in the family - losing my beautiful nan was difficult
- Death of a pet - losing my beloved cat was also sad
- Moving house - apparently always creates some stress and adjustment issues even when a positive move
- Minimal time out/no holidays - no holiday time to speak of since xmas time which turned out not to be relaxing anyway
- Dealing with a traumatic incident - getting robbed at gun point during my last trip to Africa didn't really leave me with anything but stress at the end of my last so called 'holiday' from work in December/January. It takes a long time to recover from something like that
I don't want any of this to be taken as a whinging-fest, or that I feel sorry for myself, or think that I have anything more difficult in my life that is worse than everyone or anyone else. I know that I am truly blessed, eternally lucky and extremely privileged in all facets of my life. I do not want to sound unappreciative of any of this. The gift of life and the relative comforts that we have here in Australia is itself something to be celebrated. Experiencing a near miss, especially whilst so far away from home, in a foreign country has enabled me to appreciate and value the here and now more than ever before. This blog is simply a way for me to write down some of the things that roll around in my head and keeps me more honest with myself than I could potentially otherwise be. Even though its open for others to read, it is essentially a journal that I keep online instead of in a book. I believe in living out loud, being open and honest. I don't have anything to hide. If I draw criticism for any of these things than so be it. I do it for my own selfish reasons, to organise my thoughts, to be accountable, and to show myself and others that I believe that there is no shame in openly displaying your weaknesses and flaws as well as your strengths. Don't get me wrong, if my biggest worry is whether or not I can train for a recreational endurance pursuit that I choose to do and enjoy, then I am doing magnificently well.
I think I have a weird self protective defence mechanism that clouds my judgement and ability to recognise when I am getting stressed out or when the dark jaws of depression are beginning to nip at my heels. That is why I value professional and objective opinions when I need it, that I attempt to understand my head space, and why I write a blog. We live in a society that I believe has the tendency to pressure people never to show weakness and to be almost super human at times. It appears that many people feel as though they must be seen to be able to juggle careers, children and the many pressures of life, all whilst looking fabulous, being supremely fit, able to whip up gourmet quality meals in half an hour, never giving in to temptation and polishing off a packet of chocolate biscuits, keeping their houses magazine quality perfect, having the latest technology.. etc, etc.. blah! blah! blah!.. Yikes! Sometimes I think we all just need to give ourselves a break, embrace our frailties and stop presenting to the world the picture perfect, always have our shit together persona 24/7. Life is too short, too valuable, and simply too precious to get caught up in this type of stress. If your so-called friends are going to judge you harshly because you have disorganised papers and unfolded laundry in your house, that you sometimes eat a cheese sandwich and a packet of tim tams for tea because you cant face the kitchen or a chocolate free life, then they are friends you don't really need.
Be kind to one another, we all need it.
