Cheers to the beginning of 2015!
As much as I am not really into the whole 'go crazy' partying element of New Years Eve that some people really get into, I do however like the feel and atmosphere of the lead up to New Years Eve. Once the hustle and bustle of Christmas has disappeared, there is often a sense of hope and positivity that fills the air in the days that lead up to New Years Eve. I like that regardless of whether someone has had a difficult or a favourable year, they can often either be relieved to see the end of the year with a hope for a brighter following year, or celebrate the finale of a fantastic year and look forward to continuing that good favour in the coming year ahead. Cliche or not, there is something about resetting the calendar to 01/01 that can bring a sense of hope or an opportunity for a 'clean slate'.
Despite believing that motivation can be at its best and very useful during this period, I am definitely not a believer in creating a list of the typical New Years resolutions.You know those all or nothing promises that are often difficult to even measure, maintain or achieve in the first place? For example the fruitless goal, so easily made when in the dreary haze of a New Years Day hangover to only drink once a week from now on, or not at all; to lose weight; to stop eating junk food; to be happier; to exercise more; to take more holidays, to work harder, or to be more studious at school/uni/tafe. Don't get me wrong, these are all valid things to strive for for yourself, yet I believe that they can also set yourself up to fall into a hole of self doubt, loathing and negativity as soon as you return to the more mundane daily life and your working routine, usually sometime in the middle of January, and you have already failed to comply with the often tight conditions that you set yourself.
I myself spent the New Year period with a combination of both celebration and reflection. I have so much to be thankful for, I'm happier than I've ever been, and I'm working through the tougher battles that have not always been the happiest of times. It's not always roses and bubbles though. This is my first blog of 2015, and it has taken me until the beginning of February to do so. I think that the reason for that is mainly because I've been going through abit of a low patch. Although not serious, I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago now, and although very manageable and able to be weathered, there are times when it comes creeping up and biting at my ankles. I think that once the happy distractions and celebrations over the christmas period and settling into my marriage quietened down, I finally faced some of the difficult emotions following the miscarriage last October.
Fortunately I am lucky enough to have the most incredible husband by my side, whose support and care is beyond anything I dreamed possible. He knows exactly what to do to support me, how to talk to me, and makes anything I face or go through, seem totally possible with his love and help. With him I can handle anything. He is my true soulmate. I had been worried that I was putting up my defences too much during this low period, which when I do that tends to shut me down emotionally and replace things with numbness. Only yesterday I was talking to him about this, as I was just beginning to feel the cloud of misery lifting again and casually mentioned that I was worried that I had not had a good cry in a couple of months. One hour later as we were riding our bikes through the trails of our neighbourhood and in a fit of disappointment and rage about being too unfit and overweight to ride like I used to after failing to ride up a hill without needing to stop, I completely broke down. Instead of being mortified, as I would normally have been about crying uncontrollably by the side of a very public path, I felt immediately better. So today I feel more clear headed and the writer's block appears to have shifted. Remind me to get to that dream to start writing a novel now.
One of the more troublesome details that have been rumbling around in my head recently is dreading my next birthday. Looming all too close at this stage. I have never been one to fear getting older. In fact I am normally one of the first to believe that people should embrace getting older each year and to attempt to do that as gracefully as possible. Growing old is a privilege that not everyone gets the opportunity to experience. Also, I'm not exactly an old chook, I am about to turn 35, which is still relatively young. When I was 18 years old I remember thinking how old 35 seemed. I imagined that by this age that I would be happily married (check - although it took a second attempt to get it right!), with a large house full of children, a kick-arse career, and all the promises of youth fulfilled. It's funny how when you reach your Thirties you realise how much more you actually have to learn, and how much more time you actually have to do the things that you thought you would already have done then when in the teenage version of yourself. So what's my problem? Turning 35 is the reminder that I am about to hit the 'statistical' age where fertility levels plummet. As an already 'fertility challenged' woman who STILL has no children, I have been battling with the idea of hitting an age when what is already difficult for me is supposed to drastically worsen. The logical part of me knows that this is probably ridiculous. I am in good professional hands, there is still time to have children, there are plenty of success stories for women much older than myself.. blah, blah blah.. Its the emotional part that struggles. Anyone who has physically yearned to have children, whose ovaries ache when they are around babies, whose every waking moment has an underlying distraction of wanting to be a mother, can relate to this feeling. With every loss, every month that passes without being pregnant, every return back to the drawing board, makes the road appear so much longer, each time more desolate.
So in the interest of shaking myself out of the self pity bubble, I have decided to give myself a good talking to. When I think about the type of advice I would give someone else going through something similar, its time I took some of that advice for myself. A self written letter. To. Myself.. ahem.
You have so much to be thankful for. You are fortunate enough to live in a country full of opportunity and safer than the majority of the world. You have a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and wonderful people around you. You are on a path that is right for you. You have survived heartbreak, robbery and health scare. You are happy, you are lucky, you are so blessed.
You have a job that you enjoy, a wonderful man that you are married to, supportive family and friends. You have your health, which is more valuable and lucky than any amount of money can buy. Even though you have no children, YET, it is still a possibility and although with each year you are getting older you still have an ample opportunity to be a mother. However that may occur. Life is actually more brilliant than bad, so shake it off and snap yourself out of it.
Allow yourself to feel emotions, no matter how painful they might be. Do not hide from them and shut down before you have a chance to process them. It is healthy to feel pain, to experience the myriad of emotions, to fall apart, put yourself back together and move forward. You have proven that you can do that, so do it.
Stop fighting with God. When you start to question why things happen to you, why you haven't got everything you've wanted so far, your shift in focus is then in the wrong direction. Stop praying for certain things to happen when you should be praying for the strength to accept whatever comes your way. Accept that God's plan is the right one for you, regardless of whether you understand it or not. Let it go and have faith that everything happens as it is supposed to.
Honour yourself. Treat yourself with the love and respect that you should offer everyone else. Take care of your mind, body and spirit. Strive to eat healthy, sleep better, relax and rejuvenate. Exercise and keep moving. Take time to laugh, to love, and if you feel like eating some ice cream. Do it, without guilt.
Thanks for the good advice. Much more appropriate than setting New Year resolutions :)
