2014 has definitely been a year that asked some important questions and also provided some answers. It has been a year of many things. A year that allowed me to face some fears, trials and tribulations, sadness and loss, but also to experience many important triumphs, happiness and celebratory moments. This year I have established a path for myself that is far better than I ever dreamed it could be. This post is for no other reason then allowing for self reflection over the previous 12 months and moving towards the new year with a sense of purpose and new found happiness that this current year has brought me. The beginning of the year sent me a message that reminded me how precious and short life really is, to never take things for granted, and to live the life that you have been given, full steam ahead and as you dream it to be. You never know when your time will be up. 2014.. what a brilliant roller coaster ride.
The magic and mayhem of Africa..
I began the new year over a few beers at a pub in a little town on the outskirts of the Kisii region of Kenya. Up the road from the little village that I had affectionately called home when I had been over in the land of the lion. Midnight in Australian time had clicked over 8 hours earlier. At that time I had been with a car load of my Kenyan friends, bouncing along the bumpy roads out of Nairobi towards the village. Although I mostly had a great time on that trip and every trip I've had over to Africa, at that moment I had missed home and one person in particular. I had already spoken to him on a long distance phone call prior to heading out of Nairobi, yet during the crazy time that I stumbled around Africa, he felt so far away. I had already realised by then that there was one person who I really wanted to spend all my future new years eve's with. Despite our up and down relationship over the 6 months prior to this trip and the uncertainty surrounding what our future might hold or even whether we would end up in the same country, I had known if not beforehand but definitely as soon as I stepped on that plane to head over to Kenya at the end of 2013, that my love and my future was with this man. The man, who now, as 2014 draws to a close, I get to call my husband.
A typical Kenyan road away from the cities
New Years beers - the pub in Kisii town
I knew as I travelled to Kenya over the christmas/new year period that it was signaling a certain chapter of my life drawing to a close. Although I was fiercely proud of what had already been accomplished, no matter how small that scale, I knew that I would not be able to sustain either a Kenyan lifestyle or the local projects that I had been given the opportunity to contribute to, primarily as a self funded outsider. It was no longer possible to consider myself as a future long term resident or even a frequent visitor to the country on the current terms that I had been travelling on. It is difficult to explain, but essentially I had been turning up solo to Kenya and living unimpeded as a local African would, with only local support in areas that white people were not commonly found, without the need for external support and protection from large organisations, volunteer programs, or living within protected compounds. The reality was that unless I found employment in the country that was funded by an international company (so as not to take away employment opportunities from other Kenyans and also due to wage problems); was prepared to leave the areas I loved most to live in a more protected community (I have needed to be moved around a fair bit as otherwise it is too dangerous for me, as I am too much of a target to stay in one place for too long without added security unless I am amongst a protected ex-patriotic community); or if I married into the family that I stayed with & found a way to continue to financially support all of them, whilst taking on the village lifestyle permanently, I was going to have to say goodbye to these magical yet dangerous experiences.
Bustling village life
Village life
I knew that I would probably be saying good bye to most of my Kenyan friends, possibly for the final time. Although these relationships were changing or had already changed, I know that all the people I had met in Kenya will always remain in my heart as true friends and that a bridge of friendship had been extended between two worlds that had previously been worlds apart. Kenya will always be my second spiritual home, and I will always find a way to return to Kenya, in whatever capacity that may be in the future. Even if only as a tourist once again, and if only to show my future children and my husband the beauty of the wildlife, the people, the children, the sense of community, and those African sunsets. So many things that really need to be experienced in person to fully appreciate the magic of Africa.
1 of many beautiful sunrises - Okavango Delta (Botswana)
Towards the end of this trip, I had a nasty experience that seemed not only to solidify these thoughts about my time in Africa but have also almost defined my life as time 'before' and time 'after' this moment. I finally felt the full force of the danger that sometimes lies within Nairobi, as it is known with it's nickname as 'Nairobbery'. I was perhaps too complacent and had allowed myself to drop my guard a fraction too low, or I was simply an easily identifiable target in a bustling city of crime and desperation. One night, while feeling a false sense of security, sitting in a pub area situated behind security guards, gates, and metal detectors, I made a solo trip to the bathroom located around a dark corner and too close to the front exit stars that ran into the street of the establishment in central Nairobi. As I was washing my hands, I was suddenly confronted by three men, each wielding a gun that was either pointing at me or jabbing me intermittently in the rib cage or small of my back. I immediately knew that these men meant business, and although my instincts were pushing me to run to safety or attempts to veer off towards my friends that were happily chatting around the corner, oblivious to the drama unfolding close by, a greater instinct allowed me to listen to and obey the danger surrounding me. I was led down the stairs, past the now non existent security guard post and across the street to an opposite ATM machine. As time and thoughts seem to turn into slow motion during times like this, I remember thinking at the time for what seemed an inordinate amount of time about why the security guards were no longer standing at the entrance as we had gone by. Were they paid off to look the other way? Were they in on the robbery? Getting a cut of the takings? Were they on a break that as so often happens in Africa, had extended beyond their normal time? Were they even there to begin with or was I mistaken? I will never really know the real story. By that point I was no longer naive to the corruption that sometimes changes the rules in this country, and I had come to know that a uniform did not always bring integrity to those wearing it. I had focussed on this detail whilst being marched across the road, unsure what level of analysis I was truly capable of right then, but a necessary distraction at the time. I was told by one of the men, who spoke with a thick Kenyan accent that if I gave them what they wanted that I could 'return to my evening'. I do not know much of the swahili language, but I had picked up that the other two were discussing something about time. They didn't seem to have much time, which made me feel calmer knowing that they were anxious to get going. I can't help but wonder whether this was a big factor in saving my life and keeping me from further harm as they were keen to grab the money and run rather than concentrate on me.
Nairobi City
Guns are all too familiar- a Kenyan ranger that we gave a lift to one day
So I was instructed to withdraw the maximum money that I could withdraw from the ATM with my card. I was expected to keep withdrawing until my daily withdrawal limit had been reached (unfortunately this is alot when you are travelling and requiring access to funds). I remember wavering over the keypad for a split second, considering whether to enter an incorrect pin number and prevent them from getting to my hard earnt money. However as I had been savvy enough not to walk around Nairobi with a bag, or phone, or any obviously valuable belongings, all I had in my pockets were some kenyan shilling and my atm/credit card. I knew that if I did not give them this, then I did not have anything else to offer, so I recognised that this was the best option that I had to enable them a chance to honour their promise and take what they wanted and let me go.
They did. Once my card would no longer give any more notes, and was drained of several thousand dollars, I was told to return across the road and not to tell anyone about what had happened. Although I had not been badly hurt, classified by their standards as completely unharmed, I could already feel the bruises on my ribcage and the fattening of my lip and lump on my head from the pushing and shoving with their hands and guns to ensure that I was aware that they were serious about their threats. I will never forget that walk back across the road. The walk across the road, too frightened to look back, eyes only on the door back into the place where my friends were. This was the single most terrifying moment of my life and the entire ordeal. It was then that I expected to be grabbed and pulled into a vehicle, or to feel a bullet in my back or legs as I walked away. When I finally reached my friends, I collapsed in a sea of tears and the adrenaline and shock swept in. Their distress at what had happened to me was evident. The men in the group were distraught that they had not been able to protect me, and the women were speculating at whether my skin colour had saved me from rape or murder as they believed the assailants would find the risk of committing a crime against a foreign white woman as far greater than one against one of them.
Kenyan nightlife -at a safer place for taking photos
As the fog of terror lifted and the enormity of what had just happened dawned on me, I was forced to deal with the dodgy and useless proceedings at a local police station. Attempting only to obtain a police report to help with my travel insurance claims, aware of the fruitlessness of reporting the crime for any sort of action or arrest to be made, the police were insisting on a 'fee' to cover the cost of the report. With little money remaining and certainly in no mood to play the games with authority, I angrily left empty handed. The very next morning, myself and a couple of others had decided to leave the city and make for a quiet county on the outskirts of Nairobi for the remainder of my stay. I was determined not to run scared for a plane to leave immediately, to stick it out over the next few days until my originally planned exit flight. In typical African fashion, our car broke down in the middle of the city streets before we had even left, and we found ourselves suddenly in the midst of a small city riot that had got out of hand. I was almost laughing at the situation and wondered again how long my luck was going to hold out. As people streamed past us, running from the loud shots emitted from either the police or the rioters, tear gas filled the air and burnt our faces and eyes. We somehow pushed the car through this and somehow jump started the car and finally made our way out of the city. As far as an empty petrol tank would allow us that is. Stalled on the freeway, out of petrol, we then managed to find a petrol can with a small amount of spare petrol in the boot of the car (don't even ask about the safety of that) to get us to the next petrol station and finally get ourselves out to the much quieter Machakos County. My nerves were well and truly shot by this point and I spent that first night in the hotel jumping at every noise and chicken squawk until I finally fell into an exhausted but fitful sleep.
Riots in Nairobi - road debris aftermath
Typical Kenyan transport - more reliable than cars
It was following this experience that I think I have truly realised how precious life is and how easily it can be taken away. As I had faced a potentially life ending situation, it had reminded me how unnecessary and unwarranted many of the worries and anxieties that had filled my mind prior to this really were. Worries about the future, about material things, about luxuries and trivial matters seemed to melt away and seem so insignificant. I realised how important it is to live life with what is in front of you. To relish in what you have and be grateful for the blessings you have received. I also learnt to honour just how important it is to listen to your own soul and to get to living a life that makes you truly happy. Life is too short and unpredictable not to. Why waste time for the sake of obligation or fears and uncertainties about the future when you don't even know what the future may bring or how long your future will even be? Although scary and unpleasant, the robbery in Nairobi really became a blessing in disguise and armed me with a new found courage to jump into the things I want to do rather than merely HAVE to do.
Onwards and upwards in 2014
On my return from Kenya, the remainder of the year was filled with many opportunities, changes, and celebrations, sprinkled with some sadness, loss, and plenty of ailments. With a new found ability to let go of anger and worry, and an attitude geared towards taking steps towards the things that matter to you, with less care about what others might think and whether it is a popular choice, 2014 has provided me with an overall stellar year.
In April I lost one of my beloved cats, Ernie. I also said goodbye to my incredible 97 year old grandma, and I had a heartbreaking miscarriage at 11 weeks pregnant at the end of October. Although these were all difficult experiences that created sadness, grief, and loss for me, I got through them with the positivity of finding the silver linings about these situations. I had owned a brilliant cat, that I had loved and been brought much comfort and joy from for the best part of a decade; I had been fortunate to have my grandma in my life for a long time into my adult life, who was able to slip away quietly in the end, in a way that so many of us wish to when we think about growing into and dying peacefully of old age; and finally I was shown that although I had lost another unborn baby, falling pregnant is an option that is available to me, not always a guarantee that I could have been sure of previously. The cliche is true, every dark cloud has a silver lining. You just have to allow yourself to see them.
My much loved & missed cat - Ernie
Onwards and upwards in 2014
On my return from Kenya, the remainder of the year was filled with many opportunities, changes, and celebrations, sprinkled with some sadness, loss, and plenty of ailments. With a new found ability to let go of anger and worry, and an attitude geared towards taking steps towards the things that matter to you, with less care about what others might think and whether it is a popular choice, 2014 has provided me with an overall stellar year.
In April I lost one of my beloved cats, Ernie. I also said goodbye to my incredible 97 year old grandma, and I had a heartbreaking miscarriage at 11 weeks pregnant at the end of October. Although these were all difficult experiences that created sadness, grief, and loss for me, I got through them with the positivity of finding the silver linings about these situations. I had owned a brilliant cat, that I had loved and been brought much comfort and joy from for the best part of a decade; I had been fortunate to have my grandma in my life for a long time into my adult life, who was able to slip away quietly in the end, in a way that so many of us wish to when we think about growing into and dying peacefully of old age; and finally I was shown that although I had lost another unborn baby, falling pregnant is an option that is available to me, not always a guarantee that I could have been sure of previously. The cliche is true, every dark cloud has a silver lining. You just have to allow yourself to see them.
2014 has also been year of the ailment. A car park gate fell on me in April, that resulted in a fractured sacrum (lower spine - a previous post has been writtent about that), tonsillitis, the flu, terrible arthritic flare ups, shingles, bronchitis, gastro, and right now as I type, a virus with a barking cough so violent that it makes me dizzy. Yep the body really cracked it this year. Next year will definitely be the beginning of a healthier year, that is a given. On a brighter note, I was not so riddled with insomnia this year. Letting go of alot of stress has been an incredible instrument in making gains in this area. My body is a work in progress and is definitely more of a focal point as I head into 2015.
So many positives and celebrations along the way: Establishing a strong relationship with the love of my life, allowing myself to finally let go, drop my mask and my protective walls, to truly let someone wholly and completely into my heart and my life. Our engagement was closely followed by our marriage this year. Our wedding day was as perfect a day as I could ever hope to experience and it was absolutely the best decision I have ever made is to have married this man I love so much. Without doubts and with the strength of true love, and a happiness and contentment that I never thought possible, 2014 has emerged as the year that wrote my very own unique love story.
I finally listened to my inner voice, my dreams, and the passions in my heart. I recognised many of my shortcomings and limitations. This brought about a change in work from the fast paced world of private practice back into the community setting of health care. I also began my postgraduate study at Melbourne University in Psychology. A stepping stone to the ideals and career aspirations that I hold for myself in the future. I have finally taken the leap towards these things and am determined to see them out with the hard work and dedication that is needed to do what it takes to create the path that I belong on.
Thank you 2014 for the lessons, the love, the lightbulb moments, and the luck. As this epic year draws to a close, I can safely say that every experience and every second that has led me up until this moment has never been wasted or regretted. Every memory and every moment that shapes us enables us to grow that little bit more into our skin and towards the person that we are destined to become.
Here's to a quietly calm 2015...
