I cannot begin another post without first recognising and being thankful for the enormous support and love directed my way following my previous post. It is truly heartwarming to see just how many people care and wish for good things to come my way. So many people have been touched by loss and grief or the complicated mess that sometimes comes with the decision to start a family. It is because of this that I had hoped that posting my writing might help someone else not feel so alone, but really it was me that was made to feel less isolated and wrapped up in a big collective hug. So, thank you. It makes moving forward seem so much easier when you know that there are people quietly cheering for you as I am quietly cheering for others in their own quests to fulfil their dreams.
So as I continue to move forward, as I do not believe in doing anything other than doing so, I am filled with positivity and a 'lightness' about whatever is next, in whatever way that might be. My husband is a large component of this feeling. For the first time in a long time, if ever, I let my guard down and dropped the walls that I usually hide behind when something is difficult. I actually surrendered to letting someone else in. Really letting someone in. I was forced to abandon my usual comfort zone. He saw the frightened, vulnerable, and dependent woman, who needed him, and he knew exactly what and how to deal with it, all while dealing with his own emotions. We so often forget that when someone is going through something awful or painful, that there is very often also a partner, a husband or wife, a boyfriend/girlfriend, companion, or family member sitting on the sidelines, living the nightmare just as powerfully as the person in the spotlight. These people also need support and recognition that they also need support and help if its needed. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing man by my side living and breathing the vows that we took only last month to be a team and forever together 'For better, for worse, in sickness and in health'.
When I say Whoah... I mean Whoah!
Life's little hiccups give you an awesome opportunity to assess your own frailties, flaws, and increase your capacity to learn and for self improvement. I know now more than ever before just how stubborn I can be. Like an elderly dog sitting down in refusal half way through a walk, I can dig in my heels and refuse to budge. Yes, at times stubbornness has actually worked to my advantage: "You tell me that I probably won't be able to run any decent distance ever again?"... Here's my marathon finisher's medal.. "What's that? I'll never be able to get into Melbourne University for a new course to study?"... Here's my confirmed enrolment papers.. "You think I'm crazy to consider travelling to Africa by myself?"... Here's the photos from my multiple trips to the great African continent... And sometimes it has NOT worked to my advantage..: "You're telling me that I shouldn't compete in that half marathon that I haven't put in enough training for?"... Watch me have to walk to the finish line after only 14km when I do it anyway.. "You say that if I try to do double training sessions to make up for missed ones that I'll get injured?" ... Oh yeah, I did those extra sessions and you know what, now Im injured... There are times when I really need to learn to take a step back and objectively look at a situation rather than stubbornly hanging onto a decision I'm emotionally invested in like a mountain climber with a broken safety rope hanging onto a rock.
Another important consideration that I have been thinking about lately is the concept of trust. Trust in many things. Trust in logical process, trust in God's plan, trust to accept professional help when it is warranted, trust in the capacity to heal, trust in my body. The simple sentence to 'trust in my body' is often not so simple in my head. The human body is an amazing creation. Extraordinary in its abilities and yet impossible to ever be perfect. The human body is beautifully flawed. At times our bodies will let us down when we least expect it and often outside of our own control. With illness, with deformity, with bad luck, and with a vulnerability to break down when something stronger is thrown upon it for too long. Yet, the human body can also surprise us time and time again in its capacity to extend beyond what we often believe possible. In endurance and strength, in survival & defense, in reproduction and birth, in regeneration and resilience. Not always understood, sometimes frustrating, but always a magical force of nature that we are blessed with as mankind. I have learnt in my short life to date, in the small number of trials and tribulations and in the achievements and exhilarations that I have experienced, that the more that I learn to listen to and trust my body, the better off I am.
Part of my stubborness around trying to have a baby, is my whole hearted stubborn belief that my body will eventually figure out how to do the baby thing, in its own time, and when it is ready. No matter how many false starts it endures. In the need for answers that we as people constantly strive for, sometimes it is okay to just not have an answer yet. Yes, I am currently on a appointment cancellation list for one of the top specialists in perinatal medicine, to get the ball rolling for finding answers and further investigating the possible causes of my troubles. I know that it is the wise choice to accept this help, to face up to whatever answers we may be given, and to roll with the marvels of modern medicine to either help me achieve what I want so badly, or alternatively inform us if it is not possible and allow us to pursue alternative options. On paper, logically speaking, so many things are possible. Spiritually, emotionally and in my heart is the stronger and more simple need to let go of everything and allow whatever is meant to be, to be. I trust my body to do what it is able to in whatever capacity that is. I don't know yet whether this situation will result in advantage or disadvantage if I remain true to my stubborn self, however I am finding it easier to trust the natural process and all it entails along the way. The human body will adapt and twist when needed, it protects and defends when required and sometimes, just sometimes, when you are completely unsure whether you are at the end of a no through road, this fallible mixture of flesh and blood creates miracles.
For now, I'm just happy to get through the day without tripping over or grazing an elbow. I wish I could trust my coordination more..
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