10 out of 10

Happy days are here again...

The other day I went out for my first run in nearly 11 months. It was only 10 minutes, but it was 10 minutes of pure happiness. 'Run' is probably a loose definition for what it entailed, as it is probably more accurate to describe it as an awkward combination of jogging and shuffling, at a speed not much quicker than a fast paced walk, yet running is what the mind was willing this banged up body to do.

I came through the front door afterwards, greeted by my husband (happily vacuuming the house with our newborn baby sleeping in a baby carrier on his chest at the time mind you) with the words "How was it?". There was no need to reply with words, the massive grin plastered across my face said it all. This smile was mixed with joyful tears which rolled down my face for the next 20 minutes as I went through the strength and stretching exercises that a postnatal physio had prescribed me as part of my post c-section recovery. I had made it. I had finally made it to a physical place that enabled me to use my body positively again. The feeling of health and wellness re-entering my body once more as the illness and ravages of an awful pregnancy left it, overwhelmed me with happiness and emotion.
I had been waiting for this day for what felt like an eternity. There were times, in my darkest moments, particularly whilst hooked up to umpteen IV fluid bags in hospital, that I was not sure that I would ever feel normal again. It was not simply a matter of physical benefit once the doctor cleared me for a slow return to normal exercise after the pregnancy, labour, and an eventual emergency c-section. It was an emotional, mental and overall benefit that I gained by being able to lace up my runners once more. I have mentioned many times that running for me is all about mental well-being, stress release, and an outlet. I am not genetically blessed with a runner's physique and I am certainly never going to break any land speed records, but I enjoy it. The small act of running 10 minutes, meant so much more to me than the act itself could capture. It almost felt as good as crossing the finish line of the marathon. Almost.. (I want to experience that feeling again one day by the way). I guess it was a different kind of finish line for me this week. It symbolised the true end of a tough chapter in my life, the celebration of a new beginning in so many facets of my world. Now with a beautiful baby girl to raise with my awesome husband, a year of maternity leave so as to concentrate on my new role as a mother, continued studies to keep moving towards my professional goals, and renewed enthusiasm for my health and fitness, blue skies have returned in full force.

10 minutes - 10 kilometres - 10 goals - size 10 - 10 months... 10!

It appears that for me, next year will have as its theme the number 10. I am 6 years too late or it could've been extra cool to be doing this in 2010, but 2016 will have to do, being as it is the current place in time, and obviously I don't have any control over time or this blog would be a lot more exciting  and on a different topic altogether.

I have learnt that the best way for me to get something done, particularly training, is to find an event, enter it and then structure my training to get there. I have also learnt that there often needs to be some flexibility in these plans, and that I also have a tendency to bite off way more than I can chew. This sometimes leads to failure to get to such events. When life has thrown the odd curve ball, the training then goes amiss. When I have tended to set lofty goals that rely on everything going to plan also often with tight time frames, then it becomes impossible far too easily.

 I have learnt that I need to be more conservative about setting more achievable goals or I will again find myself in too difficult a position to get to them. In true form of this, in the haze of my post 10 minute run, I immediately started looking at competing in next years Gold Coast half marathon in July next year. Although its do-able to train for a half marathon from scratch in 6 months, it is probably not do-able for me to do right now, with a new baby to structure around, in combination with my study and a busy life in general. The Gold Coast event is dear to me because that is where I completed a marathon in 2012. I hope to one day return to crack the 4 hour marathon time barrier in the Gold Coast, but in the meantime I like the idea of running in the shorter distances there until I am able to tackle the full distance once more. I also like that it is held in the dead of a Melbourne winter and is an excuse to head north for some warmer weather.

Anyway, so with further reflection, I decided to enter the Gold Coast 10km distance event instead. I thought it fitting to run 1km for every minute of my initial return to running. It gives myself a little symbolic meaning and motivation so as not to forget how important the small wins are along the way. 10 for 10.

Interestingly, the number 10 seems to feature in a few objectives that I have set myself in the upcoming year. At nearly 2 months post birth, I have now settled onto a consistent weight number on the scales that can serve as my starting point for getting back to my optimum weight. That means that I have 10 kilograms to lose to reach this point. I'm kinder to myself now that I'm in my mid-30s than I used to be. I'm not trying to achieve a weight that I haven't been since I was 19 years old or anything. I'm striving for a healthy weight, that has in the past made me feel healthy, happy, and comfortable in myself and my clothes. I ride the roller-coaster of weight like the best of them. I would own a well-used yo-yo when it comes to the up and down bouncing of my weight over the years. I've never been skinny, I have no desire to be so, but I do need to lose some weight in order to be healthier, fitter, and happier.

The next 10 to feature is related to my clothing size. When I am at my goal weight, I will most likely be a comfortable size 8-10. I have clothes that sit in my wardrobe for such an occasion and seem to come out once every couple of years and then get banished back into the cupboard darkness once I get to a larger size 12 and beyond. It's not that I believe that I'm unattractive at a size 12 or 14, and have been up at a size 16 at times also. It is that when I am rolling around in a size 10, I am also in good physical shape and fitness. I sleep better, feel better, wear nicer clothes, can run around in a crop style support instead of a structured sports bra (the boobs are always the first to reduce when the weight goes down!).

Now, I'm totally aware that my body is different now that I have carried and had a child. The intricate pattern of stretch marks that now decorate my lower abdomen surrounding my c-section scar are a reminder of this. I am also aware that I need to be gentle with this new body, but also put the adequate work in to support it, strengthen it, and build it up to handle the physicality of running 10 kilometres again. This I use as motivation rather than as a deterrent. I believe that I can probably be in better shape now than I was prior to having a child. I believe that going through physical strain, pain and illness for 9 months has helped me have a greater awareness of the value of feeling better and has also toughened me up to be able to push myself when I need it. When I was training for the marathon, I used to actually enjoy when I returned from a long, tough training run and sometimes threw up, feeling god-awfully ill for a while. Now, I'm likely to have an anxiety attack the next time I throw up. After spewing up to 30 times a day throughout my pregnancy, I'm not keen to do it again anytime soon. However, feeling awful for 8 months might mean that I'm also likely to handle short term physical discomforts a little better too. And yes, I acknowledge that once you have experienced the pain of labour, you then understand that NOTHING else hurts as much as that, so it may increase my general pain threshold too.

10... 10 is also quite possibly the minimum amount of months I would like to have between now and the consideration of heading into round 2 of pregnancy and babies. I don't want to wait too long, if I have the option that is, to have another child, for various reasons such as close in age, my ticking biological clock, getting another potentially horrific pregnancy over and done with, career and study considerations, etc... yet I think I want a good few months and a majority of a year to get myself and my body back, my health and the ability to eat normal food, drink water (oh water how I love you!), enjoy my little girl and being a family of 3 first.

This has inspired me to set a list of 10 goals for 2016. I'm not entirely keen to do this right now, being the end of the year and looking too suspiciously like a list of new year resolutions. So perhaps I'll hold off on setting 10 goals until February or March, when it no longer holds the cliche level it does right now.

For now, I'm concentrating on the amazing little victories along the way, like drinking 3-4 litres per day, having an awesome husband who will watch the little one while I head out for a jog when he is home, walking with bubs in the pram enjoying the outdoors and fresh air, eating normal food, and the brilliant side effect of breastfeeding that includes still burning calories to be somehow losing weight despite eating anything not nailed down due to the excessive hunger that goes along with being a human milk machine.  10... the number of doughnuts that I'm capable of eating in one sitting right now...

A Rainbow after the Storm

A light at the end of darkness

It has been many months now since I have written a post. This is mainly due to the fact that for the remainder of my pregnancy I had a brain output that was about as powerful as attempting to run a truck with a tank full of mashed peas. I simply needed all of my energy to just get through each and every day and could not fathom putting fingers on keyboard to capture anything more than the occasional blurt out of listless and random thoughts. Now sleep deprivation has clouded my sharpness, but it is time to get rolling into the land of the living again and indulge in my ramblings once more.

Well, we made it. HG continued but was endured and finally eradicated with the safe arrival of a beautiful baby girl, 3 and a half weeks ago & the day before her original due date. Did the pregnancy get easier? To some degree, yes, the HG became easier to manage throughout the final 3-4 months. I had to remain on the anti-vomit tablets every day right up until the day I gave birth. I still spewed and had relentless nausea every single day until the end of the pregnancy, yet these tablets were my functional lifeline, allowing me to put one foot in front of the other each day, reducing the severity of the spews and nausea. I don't even want to know what I would have been like without them. Of course it wouldn't be me unless things remained complicated right through until the end. In addition to HG, I suffered other 'normal' pregnancy issues such as pelvic instability and girdle pain; carpal tunnel syndrome; a resurgence of my rheumatoid arthritis symptoms, rendering my hands/fingers a painful mess; severe acid reflux; discomfort from having huge hippo-like belly proportions; and of course fluid retention that turned my already pudgy ankles into cankles with balloon like features. Good times. Labour and birth was always going to have dramatic flair. I managed to score myself pre-eclampsia in the final week leading up to our 40th week, which led to a quickly induced labour that managed to give me the experience of a full day of labour without any success, so eventually a stressed out bubba meant I ended up having an emergency caesarean to bring little one safely into the world.

There will never be enough words to express the love, gratitude and relief that arrived with our precious little human. Hearing that first little gurgle and cry will forever be the most incredible sound I've ever heard. It may sound like a cliche, but in that moment, it made every vomit & retch, hospital trip and miserable moment totally worth it.

    About to leave hospital with bubba

Just like that HG was over. My final throw up happened while lying on the operating table, when they took out the placenta and started stitching me up. I am still pinching myself 3 weeks later that I can eat like a normal human being again. And... WATER.... I can drink WATER! I drank litres of it immediately following surgery and am almost permanently attached to my drink bottle each day. It is bliss that only those who have had something so basic taken away from them could appreciate the enormity of gaining it back.

   My 1st glorious jug of iced water in   hospital after surgery 

Health is Wealth

My tough experience throughout this year, and even the rocky road of health that I walked in the previous year, has illuminated the value of good health and well being more than ever. I am acutely aware that despite how awful HG was, I was fortunate enough to have only a temporary illness, that not only did I know wouldn't last forever, I also had an enormous reward at the end of it that made getting through the dark days possible. Those suffering from terminal illnesses or with uncertainty regarding their prognosis, or chronic and incurable afflictions, do not have that luxury. The medication that I was taking to curb the vomiting is the same one that many chemotherapy patients take during their own treatment. I was often reminded that some people feel as retched as I did without any guarantees whether they will ever feel any better. My heart breaks for those people. It is this knowledge that helped me regain some perspective about my own good fortune and helped me remain grateful for the positives in my life.

Additionally as someone who has previously suffered four miscarriages myself, I was also especially aware of many who suffer HG and sometimes end up having a loss and not having a baby to take home at the end of their suffering. There was a point, particularly between weeks 13-20 of my pregnancy when I began to acknowledge my own vulnerability and fragile mental state regarding this issue. It was really only when I surrendered to the reality that getting through this pregnancy meant everything to me, and that any attempts to 'prepare' myself for another loss were ultimately futile in protecting myself from any further pain & grief, that I began to cope better. When you accept that some things are entirely out of your own control, acknowledge your true feelings, and allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with it, that is when you can actually grow and develop in the experience, whatever the outcome. I learnt to focus on the small things that I could control, whether something as simple as finding the energy to wash my hair, how to get through the working day, or dealing with the morning throw up without ruining the whole day. I learnt to appreciate the small wins, to be patient enough to ride out what needed to be waited out, and to allow myself to feel the full array of emotions that come with it all.

Blessings in disguise

In a weird way, HG has almost become something to be grateful for. What?? No I'm serious! At least I think I'm serious. You know that old adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."? Overall, the experience became a means to grow & develop and solidify what was most important to me in my future plans. It was like the universe gave me the biggest kick up the backside to finally appreciate my personal health and well-being and what that really entails. Something that I have probably taken for granted my whole life. I am currently studying (albeit at snail pace) for a degree in psychology. Possibly heading towards a specialty in health psychology and women's health. So if I am to truly gain an understanding and a decent insight into this area, I think I needed to learn a lesson or two about the different experience between health and illness, and its relationship to emotional health and well-being. When you have personally been disempowered by your own poor health, when your body has let you down no matter what your attitude or intentions may be, when you have struggled to live without pain and suffering on a day to day level, or when you've had your emotional well-being cloud your ability to look after yourself, than your ability to relate moves out of merely abstract concepts that you read about in books into tangible insight that may one day become genuinely advantageous in helping others.

I crave health and fitness like never before. I've lived a fitness life on a yo-yo string. Ridden the roller coaster of gaining and losing weight, being fit and eating well, to being unfit and on the edge of an unhealthy lifestyle. Simple things such as drinking water, eating vegetables, the ability to exercise and physically train are now major goals that mean something so much deeper than ever before. God has given me the good fortune to have a sound body that works, a temporary illness that I could recover from, and a beautiful little girl to raise and be a good role model for. I owe it to myself to not squander it or take it for granted, and to use the experience of a tough time as motivation for positivity moving forwards.

Watch this space... future goals, dreams and plans are now being formulated. This blog may yet return to it's original focus on health, well-being and training. For now, my biggest journey, the pathway of motherhood is only just beginning and I'm looking forward to a new chapter and a different ride. Oh, and continuing to not wake up hugging the toilet bowl every day.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day: My alphabet explanation of HG

Why?

Friday 15th May, is Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) Awareness day. Why? Because not everyone has access to quality health care or treatments to be able to combat this illness. Because sometimes even those who do have access are met with ignorance, misunderstanding and indifference from those supposed to be helping. Because parts of the world that do not have adequate health care render women who suffer from HG completely at the mercy of this awful illness, which can lead to not only the death of their unborn babies, but also loss of their own life. Why? Because without adequate treatment and support HG can lead to severe dehydration, organ failure, cardiac arrest, starvation, infection, stillbirth or premature birth. Because it is NOT morning sickness. Because it is more than vomiting and nausea. Because the effects and side effects of HG can last well beyond the time of the condition itself, including anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), permanent digestive malfunction, serious dental problems, organ damage, relationship and family breakdown.

There are limited informative resources currently available regarding all things HG. Much good work is being done to improve on this. Some incredible women that I have come across on the online support networks that I am a member of (for those suffering or survivors of HG) are working tirelessly to increase awareness, educational resources, and raise funds for those less fortunate.

So today, I focus my post entirely on my own experience of HG. For this I have put together my own version of the 'ABC' of the Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) experience, although I have resourced many of these from other published versions, particularly a well known one written by Karen Jensen (www.teenlibrariantoolbox.com). Although I consider myself one of the very fortunate ones who has in the recent couple of weeks (as I surpassed the 15 weeks pregnant mark), had a reduction in the most severe of symptoms, enabling me to return to eating some limited 'safe foods', take in some fluids that have kept me out of hospital and off the IV fluid treatments for now, I remain on the medication. I am under no illusions that it may return with full force at any given time throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. It is amazing how I consider myself 'better', despite my ongoing heavy reliance on the powerful ondanestron (also known as zofran), my continued daily vomiting, relentless nausea, and the continuation of many of the side effects of HG that are likely to remain for quite some time.

It's while I write something like this that I think about the amazing female warriors (and those around them who have stepped up to help support and care for these women) who are currently suffering through HG, have previously suffered and are now post HG survivors, and the super women who have lived this nightmare not just once, but multiple times in order to have their babies and complete their families. My heart goes out to those who are in the most severe category of the disease, those who are suffering or have suffered without any reprieve for their entire pregnancies, and those who are struggling to see a light at the end of tunnel.

The ABCs of Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG)

Some of these only presented themselves during my worst time (labelled the 'death zone' by many) between 8-13 weeks pregnancy, however many continue to endure despite a small & temporary respite from relentless vomiting and lack of food/liquid intake that I'm currently experiencing. Those who have lived HG can probably relate to some or many, probably even worse so than me.

A: Aches

Everything in my body aches. Everything. The joints ache because of how unwell I am, and probably due to the dehydration and lack of movement (plus I have rheumatoid arthritis that can flare up sporadically). The muscles ache from lack of use and conditioning, as it is an effort merely getting out of bed or the couch, so any form of exercise is out of the question. The stomach aches from constant retching and heaving. The head aches from dehydration and exhaustion. Groan..

B: Bathroom

It is ridiculous how much time gets spent in a bathroom. The one at home has easily become the only place in the house that I spend any lengthy amount of awake time in. I have heard stories of women dragging mattresses into their bathrooms to sleep on as they are unable to leave for long enough between vomits. Then, when you are actually able to leave the house, you spend an unhealthy amount of time being forced to source available bathrooms for the inevitable vomiting that will occur, and is inescapable no matter where you are. I have developed such an intense dislike of my bathroom, that I now actually need to employ relaxation techniques and deep breathing to avoid the now automatic reaction of nausea and heaving that occurs whenever I enter it.

C: Constipation

Not often readily spoken about in usual circles, constipation is however widely referred to and discussed on HG online support group forums. Mainly because it is such a massive issue that it is unavoidable to bring up at some stage. Majority of HG sufferers are not only prone to constipation due to the reduced food intake and nutrients, plus inadequate fluid hydration, but we are also required to live on a cocktail of medication that tends to have the unfortunate side effects of worsening constipation. Added to this combination is the tendency for normal pregnancy hormonal changes to also render pregnant women susceptible to constipation and/or hemorrhoids, and it is a recipe for disaster. It is only while sitting on the loo for 1-2 hours at a time, tears rolling down my face in frustration and pain, that I have fully understood the terrible experience of this condition. Mention the words 'zofran poo' to a HG sufferer and they will immediately understand the struggle.

D: Dehydration

At its worst, HG rendered me completely unable to keep down fluids. Not even water. This very quickly leads to dehydration and is one of the most dangerous and serious problems associated with this condition. Headaches, weakness, dizziness, heart palpatations, low (or in my case high) blood pressure, inability to pee, worsened constipation, ketones in your pee, extreme thirst, reduced functioning and risk of total shut down of kidneys and liver are all part of the fun and I had all of them. It is during one of my early obstetrician appointments that I was alerted to how serious this really is, when not only was I not allowed to leave at the end of the appointment until they had tested my urine (which I was having trouble even being able to supply for them), but they admitted me into the hospital, and I spent the next 8 hours hooked up to IV fluids. I was advised by the doctors that although the reduced food intake could be tolerated, its the dehydration that is the greatest concern. I have spent many hours in hospital dealing with it since then.

E: Electrolytes

You lose them, cannot get enough of them in, and quickly learn how an imbalance in electrolytes wreaks havoc on the body. Electrolyte imbalances can include decreased sodium, potassium, chloride and magnesium levels, which can obviously create some awful consequences. I will never forget the frustration I felt at being completely unable to ingest anything that could give me a skerrick of an electrolyte replacement. I deluded myself that I would get something out of the small window of time that I seemed to be able to stomach the occasional slurpee, however I knew that I was kidding myself. It was a joyous day a couple of weeks ago when I was able to stomach a powerade sports drink for the first time. These days I struggle to do so as I cannot tolerate anything with any decent level of sugar in it, but the oral replacement of elecrolytes has kept me out of hospital and being treated for severe dehydration.

F: Fainting

Once considered one of the telltale signs of pregnancy in the early 1900s, fainting has stood the test of time as an affliction of pregnancy. Dizziness, light-headedness, low blood pressure, low glucose levels in the blood can all have a part to play in causing a fainting spell. So it makes sense that when you cannot eat, drink or stand up without dizziness, that fainting will happen. HG can create a whole new level. I have fainted many times during this 'journey' so far; when I first attempt to get out of bed, standing up from the couch, from throwing up so forcefully that it makes you black out, and the latest is a time limit of about 20 minutes that I can stand in the one spot before I can guarantee that I will pass out. Im not keen to don a helmet in my day to day life to avoid injury from this, so I am forced to take everything VERY slowly.

G: Goals

These have changed significantly. I remember declaring confidently to my husband, at 4 weeks pregnant, that despite our history of miscarriage and high risk of loss, that I was going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy. Ha ha ha..  Yep that was a good one. Original goals such as not putting on too much pregnancy weight, keeping active, eating healthily, and the usual pregnancy related mantras have all been thrown out the window. Now my goals include, getting through a shower without vomiting, standing up without passing out, eating a piece of food - anything, getting through a day at work without needing to spew in the staff toilet or put my head down on the desk during the shift. My how my goals have changed.

H: Hunger

I thought I knew what it was like to be hungry. Now I have truly felt hunger. When you are desperately hungry, dreaming about food and teetering on starvation, but know that you simply cannot eat anything, it is torturous. I reached a point where I would dream about food at night, and wake up shaking, nauseas and starving. I would sometimes just cry myself to sleep at night, my stomach in twisted knots of hunger and a feeling of weakness and desperation like nothing I had experienced before. It has made me think more often about the plight of eradicating world hunger and the lives of those who live with famine and starvation. We should not live in a world that allows this to persist. It is simply too cruel. At least my plight is temporary and can be treated, many in the world do not have this luxury.

I: IV fluids

The lifeline of a HG sufferer. At my worst, I was admitted to hospital 2-3 times per week for long stretches at a time to treat my dehydration with IV fluids. Each visit consisted of often multiple attempts by the nursing staff to find viable veins to insert a cannula for administering of IV and other medications, as severe dehydration often made my already thin veins difficult to find or use. Anywhere between 2-4 litre bags were then administered to rehydrate me (mainly 3-4) and I was not allowed to be discharged until the ketone levels in my pee had reduced to a satisfactory level for them to release me. Boredom, exhaustion, and long stretches of wasted time filled these visits, yet without them I would be simply too ill. I don't think I fully comprehended the seriousness of my dehydration until they began gathering repeat blood tests and talking about problems with my kidneys and liver. I am so grateful that I live somewhere where I have access to this treatment in our healthcare system.

J: Justify

As HG is so poorly understood, whenever you attempt to explain it to someone, there is often a strong feeling that you need to somehow justify why you are so unable to do things. As HG can so often be written off as ONLY 'bad morning sickness', it is sometimes implied in this ignorance that you are somehow weaker than other women who just 'put up with it' and that you should be sucking it up more effectively. Not only does this make you feel even worse, but it can create feelings of guilt, isolation, feeling misunderstood, and frustration and anxiety regarding the lack of understanding of what is actually going on.

K: Ketones

Its amazing how savvy you get about medical terms such as ketones. Simply, ketones are made when the body starts breaking down fat and body stores for energy when there is not enough glucose either from carbohydrates in the diet or within the body itself to convert into energy. Its a sign that the body is under stress and struggling to cope. I quickly learnt the colours on the dip sticks used to test the pee to see what levels of ketones were present. I also learnt that unless my level could get down to number 1 (a lighter colour) than I was not going home from hospital. Sigh.

L: Love

HG can strip you back to such a basic level that you feel incapable of experiencing the warm, fuzzy, loving bond between yourself and your growing baby. Come to think of it, it can also strip you of these bonds with your family, your partner/husband, and in some cases your own children. I am fortunate in that I find solace and comfort in thinking about my baby to be, which enables me to feel more positive and get through some of the tough days. I am also fortunate in that the tough times during this pregnancy and prior to it have only strengthened the love between my husband and I. Without his love and support, and also of those close to me, I don't think I would be able to have coped as well as I have (and I would argue that I have been borderline at coping on many occasions).

M: Motivation

This takes a beating. It is hard to be motivated to think about anything other than the next five minutes when you are bent over a toilet bowl for the 20th time in a day, and completely devoid of positivity and the ability to look to the future with any clarity. On the flip side, motivation is not so much absent but adjusted instead. Motivation to get out of bed for the day, to change into new pyjamas, or to get through an entire shower standing upright can be what pushes you through an HG day. Sometimes it is tough to hear "It will all be worth it at the end.." when you are only 10 weeks pregnant in dire straits completely unable to consider how you could possibly get through another 30 weeks in your current condition.

N: Nerves

Whether you relate your nerves to your anxiety levels or fear of the future and the continuing HG battle or a more physically specific nerve effect such as restless legs, or sciatica pain, somewhere, somehow HG manages to affect these. I find that when I have thrown up everything and there is nothing left, not even bile to bring up, my body tends to go into meltdown mode and my nervous system goes into hyperdrive. I shake and tremble and sometimes gasp for breath. My poor husband initially thought that I was potentially having a fit when he first came across it. Now we know that it is just a physical reaction to being so depleted.

O: Oesophagus

The poor oesophagus really cops a beating in HG. The relentless throwing up simply tears apart the lining of the oesophagus. Stomach acid and bile can cause extensive damage and it is common for the effects of these to wreak havoc on the poor system. I will consistently begin to throw up blood when the oesophagus is particularly cut up, always following a spate of empty stomach vomits involving bile and stomach acid. I also have a constant feeling like I have a hairball or something stuck at the back of my throat that I have been informed is probably a throat ulcer from all the vomiting. It is not pleasant and definitely a nasty side effect.

P: Psychological effects

There are many. HG takes away so much of your life and ability to engage in normal daily living that it can leave you listless, isolated, and utterly depressed. The psychological scars have been known to stay well and truly beyond the end of the actual HG condition, sometimes for life. Depression, anxiety, even post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are all common following this terrible illness. I felt the gnawing of depression clipping at my heels during those dark weeks, and I constantly battle with the anxiety and fear of a resurgence of my symptoms on a daily basis.

Q: Questions

So many questions. Questions from professionals and health practitioners about symptoms, about your pregnancy, even the repeated questions about your name, date of birth, patient ID number and allergies information. When you have been admitted over 10 times as I have and have multiple nursing staff administering various medications and IV fluids at any given time, these questions are a frequent occurrence. Then there are the questions and uncertainty that HG sufferers ask themselves.. Will it ever end? Will it stay for the whole pregnancy? Can I make it? Is my baby ok? Can I even attempt to eat that? Should I risk it? Where is the nearest toilet/bathroom/spew receptacle? Why does my stomach not realise there is nothing left in it while it continues to heave? There are never any clear answers

R: Relationships

HG has an enormous capacity to put a strain on a range of relationships. It can be tough on marriages and between partners, on the mother and her other children, between family members, friends, work colleagues, even on the friendly interactions you may have with your local chicken shop worker. HG can strip you back to a shell of the normal social person you were. When also in the depths of illness and often depression, it can be too painful to even talk, let alone engage with your wider circle. You are incapable of doing much other than curling in a ball on the couch, or bed, or bathroom floor, willing it all to be over. This does not fare well on your relationships. Neither does the inability to work, help with domestic duties, cook, clean, look after children, go to social events, or even leave the house. HG is awful in its isolation, but it also renders you needing to isolate yourself to survive, so it is a catch 22. Add in a combination of the condition being widely misunderstood or minimised as morning sickness and it can cause problems amongst the people you normally get along well with.

S: Shower

Who knew that having a simple thing like a shower could be such a massive ordeal? I used to take for granted the ability of a long, hot shower to make everything feel good and to be a great comfort. HG has morphed having a shower into a stressful event, filled with dry retching or actual throwing up, lightheadedness and dizziness, difficulty standing up or sometimes even lifting your arms above your head to wash your hair. That is before you throw in the sudden aversion to the smell of the soaps or shampoos that send you to vomit town. I have found this particularly cruel in my day to day life.

T: Triggers

HG sufferers often talk to each other about the various and changing triggers that send the stomach into meltdown and the head down the toilet. A trigger can be a food or drink itself, the minute it is consumed, you fall prey to the awful clutches of a spew attack. It can be the smell of a particular food, drink, or anything really. I still feel like passing out when I even think about the smell of popcorn and am unsure if I'll ever be able to go to the movies again unless this subsides. Triggers can also develop when associated with some of the times that you have felt at your most deathly ill. I have found walking into a particular room to become a trigger, or even a song, or something on TV. These things in itself are very debilitating and can stay long after the HG condition has passed.

U: Ultrasound

For me, ultrasounds have become a positive light in an otherwise dark tunnel many times. As a high risk pregnancy patient because of recurrent miscarriage, I have had many ultrasounds along the way even by only 17 weeks pregnant. Despite the anxiety and fear leading up to an ultrasound whether or not everything will be ok, once I can see the baby on that ultrasound screen, I am reminded exactly why I am going through this and why I need to keep going. Seeing our little one moving around and hearing the sweet sounds of the heartbeat have been very important for me.

V: Vomiting

Well yes this one is obvious. HG and vomiting go hand in hand. The word Hyperemesis itself actually means excessive vomiting. Approximately 80% of women suffer from some level of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, lamely named morning sickness. That sucks on any level. HG brings that to a whole new level. At my worst I was vomiting every 15 minutes, over 30 times per day. It is impossible to function and keep your body healthy with that many vomits. I have heard cases of even worse, some poor women suffering 100+ vomits per day. Fortunately for me the cocktail of medications that I am on were able to eventually reduce the vomiting from 30+ to a more bearable 6-10 times, however until I could manage to keep down some liquid and food, I was still in dire straits. I still rely on the tablets to get through the day, and although the vomiting is reduced to 2-3 times per day right now, the nausea is still relentless. I expect to vomit for the entirety of my pregnancy, I just hope and pray that I manage to stay out of hospital and maintain some level of functionality.

W: Weightloss

So apparently my fears of putting on too much weight during the pregnancy were unfounded. Instead I found my weight spiralling downwards during the first trimester. 10kg down from my pre-pregnancy weight, it has been tough on the body to be quickly losing weight at a time that you are expected to be gaining some happy kilograms. Many sufferers of HG face an interesting reaction from others when they end up losing significant amounts of weight due to how ill they are. Comments from others claiming they are jealous of your pregnancy because you are losing weight (careful what you wish for), or being told how good you look throughout the pregnancy because of the weight reduction despite feeling like death can actually make the whole experience confusing or more difficult. I have managed to put on just over 1 kilo during the 2nd trimester so far, which brings me 9kgs below my starting weight, this is something that I am celebrating because it means that I am keeping down enough nutrients and there is less chance of retarding the growth of my baby as the pregnancy continues.

X: X marks the spot

This is a difficult letter to use, unless I've been recently playing a xylophone or needed an x-ray. X marking the spot can refer to parts of the body effected by HG, which in itself an extensive list, or it can refer to all the places that you have thrown up or been effected by HG, also too numerous to mention.

Y: Yucky

There is so much that is disgusting, gross and yucky about suffering from HG, it's really too numerous to mention. The human body is an amazing machine, yet it is also a pretty disgusting one when things are going wrong. Never before have I discussed bodily functions more than during this pregnancy, and I really thank god that my husband seems to be able to handle it ok.

Z: Zofran

An anti emetic (anti vomiting) medication also known as ondanestron. It is often prescribed to those going through chemotherapy to help stem the vomiting and nausea associated with its harsh treatment. It is also used in cases such as HG to attempt to get a handle on multiple vomiting episodes. It does not work for everyone, thank goodness it has been fairly successful for me. It does nothing to prevent my nausea, yet it was able to reduce my vomiting spells from 20+ per day to 5-10 times. Now that I have a small amount of respite, I am finding that it keeps my spews to a manageable 2-3 times daily and enables me to function a lot better, and eat and drink some things during the day. I am not sure if I will be able to stop taking it at any stage through the pregnancy, yet despite its side effects, it has been an absolute godsend and a life line for me.

From zero to twelve... in 3 months. Life with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Disclaimer: I've been holding off for nearly 3 months to post this one... get comfortable, its a long one!

Pink line fever...

Sometime in February, a good week before I was even due for my next period, I had a 'feeling'. I believed that I was pregnant. I told my husband this premonition and he looked at me like I was finally losing the plot. Sure enough, as I stockpiled my upcoming 'pee-on-a-stick' pregnancy tests, I began the internal dialogue with myself about when was the earliest that I could take a test and possibly get an accurate result. For anyone who has been trying to fall pregnant for longer than 5 minutes (or TTC - 'trying to conceive' for those who have ever googled or been anywhere near an online forum regarding trying to have a baby), they are familiar with the craziness that ensues in the week leading up to your period due date. Sane and logical people provide a very valid argument regarding this time. They normally suggest waiting until after your period is 'late' and THEN taking a pregnancy test. Wouldn't that be more accurate? And if your period comes on time then you don't even have to worry about what a negative test would mean? Pfffttt.. Amateurs. No, those on the TTC bandwagon prefer to torture themselves with early tests. Negative results that fill you with disappointment closely followed by the reassurance that as it IS only early that there is still time for the test to be positive. Yep. It is a crazy train, and most of us jump off and on it at some point, unless we somehow just happen to fall preggo at a drop of a hat or without even remembering that it was a possibility for that month. I envy those people. They save a fortune on pregnancy tests.

So five days before I really should have been testing, I caved and peed on a stick during a break at work.. just to see. After the obligatory twisting and turning of said stick on different angles, underneath different lights, and finally under the bright light of my treatment light and magnifying glass, I was convinced that I could see a very very faint second line. (For those unaware, the majority of pregnancy tests suggest 2 lines for a positive result, 1 line for a negative). I showed my husband that night only to be told that he could not see anything and maybe wait a few more days and try again. Hmmppff! I knew that a fellow TTCer would have seen it, but didn't have one on stand by to thrust a test under their nose. So the next morning I headed straight for the pregnancy test stash. Another line, faint but definitely easier to see with the naked eye than yesterday. I triumphantly showed husband again, expecting excitement and glorification. Nope, can't see it. Wait and see. What? Really? Deflated, I headed to work, stopping off at the chemist to get a digital test that brings up word results rather than lines to stare at. Ah I told you so. I took a picture of the little screen that displayed the word 'Pregnant' and sent it to my husband. Not even he could deny it then. We were back in the ball game!

     Solid proof for husband...

As I've mentioned before, an unfortunate side effect of multiple miscarriages is the consideration of falling pregnant as merely another 'roll of the dice' rather than a guaranteed baby to take home at the end of it. Having said that, you have to be in it to win it, and I refuse to be anything other than happy and excited about this new development. Every day that I am pregnant is an opportunity for us to have a baby and another step forward. Fifth time lucky? I hope and pray for it everyday.


Four to six weeks

Preliminary blood tests show all things going to plan so far. The GP quickly writes a new referral back to the specialist Perinatal Unit at the local Women's hospital. I am very fortunate to be under the care of this amazing team. An initial appointment sets me on the path of VIP treatment for this pregnancy. We are throwing all we can at it to help little beanie stick. Extra hormones, blood thinner medication, extra early scans and countless blood tests keep me well within their radar. Words will never be able to fully express how impressed I am with all the women in this unit. They just get it. The main obstetrician overseeing me was the woman who originally looked after us in the ER department during our last miscarriage. She is brilliant, caring, and truly allows me to believe in my heart that it is possible to have a baby one day. I think she herself wants to help me deliver and hand me a newborn baby one day for her own version of a professional victory. I am so glad to have her on my team.

The early weeks are an interesting adjustment to pregnancy. It is incredible how early the food/taste cravings and aversions begin to kick in. For me, it was not so much a burning desire for a particular food that would force me to get up in the middle of the night and head for a 24 hour food store. Instead it is a thought bubble about a particular food, usually very specific, that appears in the back of my mind and does not go away until I have it. I probably had more of the aversions down pat. When a certain food is mentioned, presented, or within my smell range, I very quickly know if I DONT want it. I also seemed to have developed an unhealthy emotional attachment to eating the foods that appeal. I am lucky to eat KFC maybe twice a year, and usually only at the back end of a monstrous hangover. I equate pregnancy as feeling permanently hungover so I guess this qualifies. I feel like popcorn chicken one afternoon. Badly. So I drive off course to a drive-through, get precious popcorn chicken in hands and proceed to drive home in chicken bliss. Unfortunately a combination of an opened box on the passenger seat next to me, with a need for sudden breaking when a car speeds through a roundabout, spills the rest of the popcorn chicken onto the floor of the car. I cried. Im not kidding. Actual tears of disappointment rolled down my face as I pulled over and frantically searched for any remaining edible survivors. Pregnancy is weird.

    Yoghurt & tomatoes... Dinner sorted

Growing nausea by the day, although as yet no vomiting, combined with emotional weirdness and an unshakeable mood of irritation that sometimes makes me wonder if I'm going to give my husband a hug or punch him in the face dictates the early weeks of being pregnant. If only this was the level it stayed at. No, no, that would've been way too easy...

Six to Eight weeks...

Welcome to spew-ville, vomit town, chuck city, whatever you want to call it. Like clock work this unpleasant side effect kicked in just prior to the 6 week mark. It began slowly at first and a complicated game of food jigsaw puzzle ensued to establish what could and couldn't be eaten at any given time. What level of fullness did my stomach need to be to reduce the chance of vomiting, and what was the latest intolerable and tolerable food for the day to get by? My thoughts were consumed with this process, that I likened to trying to win a game of chess or Jenga. My initial 6 week scan went well, healthy heart beat and little beanie growing to size. The doctors welcomed my sickness with some reassurance that it really isn't just an old wives tale that sickness is linked to better pregnancy outcomes, it is a sure sign that things are happening in there. Great I told myself. I can manage this.

By the end of the 7th week however, my wheels were starting to wobble. I arrived at work on the Friday morning, spewed my heart out in the garden strip next to the car and realised that it was going to be impossible to get through a working day. Reluctantly I headed into reception to report my illness and headed back home. I remember how defeated I felt. I'm not sick, I'm pregnant! I was disappointed in myself for not battling on. It had been a long week and I was exhausted, vomiting was ramping up and I was beginning to feel its effects. I put it down to that. I had already been prescribed some anti nausea and stronger anti emetic (stop throwing up tablets) from the obstetrician. I think she had potentially foreseen what was yet to come. Come the 8th week, I tried the anti-nausea medication during work. No good. Unfortunately it enabled just enough of the queasiness feeling to dissipate to reduce the warning I had that I was going to throw up. This merely resulted in the failure to get to a toilet/sink in time. No thank you. The stronger tablet rendered me feeling just as awful, if not worse, but could just stop the vomit from surfacing. As I felt like a space cadet on them, and am required to handle sharp instruments all day as part of my job, I tried to avoid them. How quickly that would need to change.

      So scarily true...

Eight weeks +... Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG)

So the silver lining about being this sick is that I've never been this sick during the previous pregnancies that I have lost. The dark cloud about this scenario is nor have I ever been this sick in my entire life and apparently its a level even worse than most pregnant women are expected to put up with. Winning... As I hit the eight week mark, my wheels well and truly fell off. I struggled through to only the Wednesday at work, and haven't been well enough to be able to go back since. The level of chucking was getting ridiculous. I was now completely unable to keep down anything. No food, no liquids. Not even water. Vomit count was in excess of 10-15 times per day and I was completely unable to function through a normal day. My 8-9 week scan happily showed a healthy growing baby, with a strong heartbeat and on target for the pregnancy stage. It is this news alone that keeps me going. It is during this consultation that I was diagnosed with a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG for short). Many like to follow what Princess Kate Middleton wears and replicate her dresses and cute outfits. Me? That's clearly too mainstream. No, I like to copy the insane level of illness that the poor Princess suffers while she is pregnant, whereby she has spent weeks in hospital also suffering this illness of HG. Look at me, trying to replicate royalty. Get over yourself Kylie, this you didn't really need to copy.

I found an online definition of HG so as to better explain it. Apparently it is another level up from severe morning sickness, not that I would ever discount what any woman has been through with any level of morning sickness. It is rough. Also, statistics show that only 2% of pregnant women suffer from this condition. Yep, that sounds like me. I am no stranger to being part of the low percentage bracket. I am that girl that still has a loss after a heartbeat is heard and the risk of miscarriage drops below 5%. I am that woman that has miscarriages beyond 3+ occasions, putting me in the 2% range of women who experience recurrent miscarriage. It is only fitting that when having a pregnancy that is the highest chance I've ever had to make it and stick, that the off-set is to fit in a small percentage bracket just to make the experience that much more difficult.. Ahhh if I could laugh without throwing up, I would...


"Hyperemesis gravidarum means excessive vomiting during pregnancy. Hyperemesis, or extreme nausea and excessive vomiting, occur in about 1% of pregnancies. This condition causes uncontrollable vomiting, severe dehydration, and weight loss for the mother. However, hyperemesis gravidarum rarely causes problems for the unborn baby. Women with this condition will start to show signs of starvation, including weight loss. Hospitalization is often required. Intravenous fluids with substances that help the body conduct nerve signals (electrolytes) may be given to correct the dehydration and excessive acid in the blood (acidosis). Anti-nausea or sedative medications may be given by injection to stop the vomiting." (www.medical-dictionary.com)

Yep, pretty glamorous huh?

Hospital and magical IV fluids


So, you know that you are more sick than you realise when you are at this 8 -9 week consultation and the hospital does not let you go home until they get you on IV fluids to rehydrate you. 8 hours and 3 X 1 litre bags of IV fluid later, I am finally discharged and allowed to go home. The following week we attend for another scan, mainly to appease my fears that I've never before had a baby's heartbeat survive past 9 weeks. All is well with the baby, but again not all is well with me. This time I only needed 2 X IV bags, mainly because I am taking higher levels of the powerful tablets to reduce my vomiting so I must keep some more liquid or food down for longer periods of time. The tablets reduce my vomiting from potential 20+ times per day of vomits to a more manageable 4-5 times. All goes wrong if you mistake the timing however. It doesn't fix the nausea or the terrible ill feeling either. Food and drink are still so difficult to stomach. I spend most of my days trying to determine what small amounts that I can put in my stomach, in the mushiest form, that I can handle coming back up the best. Yep, it is a joy. It all eventually comes up again, but it is a waiting game. Solid foods are almost completely off the menu as (beware of gross factor) they are too difficult when they come back up as they get stuck in the throat. Water is the devil for some reason. I have survived on occasional soup and sometimes juice. I am now expected to go back into hospital every few days for regular IV fluids. It is the only thing stopping severe hydration and further medical problems such as kidney and liver damage/failure. I am reassured that the baby is still getting what it needs, it just means that what is left over for me is next to nothing. 

      My lifeline... IV fluids

Hell hath no fury like HG in full flight

The constant retching is exhausting. My body does not recognise when there isn't anything left to throw up, so it will find bile and stomach juices at the depths of my stomach to scorch me with instead. Yes it is a special kind of hell that I think only those who have experienced it can truly understand. I've lost around 10kgs already, I lost 6kgs just in the fortnight between 8 & 10 weeks. Yes I had some weight to lose, but I do not recommend an HG pregnancy as an effective weight loss program. I am shrinking everywhere except for my bloated, beginning of baby bump in my lower stomach. I no longer own a bra that fits my ever expanding chest however. I'm living in sports crop tops and tracksuit pants. I have never felt more unattractive in my entire life. My throat/oesophagus is all cut up from the acidic mess that comes up every day, so I also regularly deal with throw ups of blood and the ghastly nastiness of a painful throat in between throw ups. Even though I know that puking blood in this case is not life threatening, it is something that I will never get used to.

I literally dream about food. I want to throw things at the TV when ads filled with happy people eating pizza come on. I wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy a whole meal ever again. I think my body is teetering on starvation mode, yet it is impossible to satisfy it with food. Food is the enemy. I never thought those words would ever be associated with me. Ever. 

HG is an isolating disease. Both physically and emotionally. It is simply soul destroying. I can barely stand without fainting, let alone leave the house or drive anywhere. I am just so tired and weak. I cannot attend any social engagements, barely get to work, attend classes at Uni, or do anything remotely constructive. I spend a long time staring at the ceiling or mindlessly at a TV that I'm not really watching. Although I have a good support network around me who are doing what they can to help me, they feel helpless too because there is nothing that really can be done to help anything. I've had to cancel every plan that I've had since the beginning of March. Easter weekend was supposed to be a road trip for me and the husband up to Port Macquarie, everything cancelled. I can barely sit in a car for 10 minutes, let alone hours. Its a lonely experience even if you are surrounded by people. There have been days when I have had to count minutes rather than even hours to get by. I would not wish this on even my worst enemy. Your whole life as you know it and sense of self disappears, and you are stripped back to a shell of a person during this time. A pale, depleted, grumpy mess of a person at best.

    Staring at my feet while in hospital...

I recognise that as HG is not easily understood, that well meaning acquaintances consider me in the throes of standard morning sickness, and that maybe I'm just not coping too well with it. Again, I take nothing away from standard morning sickness sufferers. I've been there before and its awful. I recently read though that comparing morning sickness to HG is like comparing a skinned knee to a broken knee. I understand that when people tell me how good it is that I'm sick because it means the pregnancy is going well,  how important that positivity is to them considering my history of multiple pregnancy losses. I have suffered morning sickness and still lost babies too, so I have perhaps been burnt by this concept abit. I do however cling to the concept that the majority of HG pregnancies result in a birth of a baby, despite the health problems associated with the mother. I also cling to the idea that if I'm truly copying Princess Kate Middleton, that I will wake up one day during the 2nd trimester and feel better. I know that the obstetricians and midwifes at the hospital, that I know mostly on first name basis now, wish this for me too.

I have joined an online Hyperemesis gravidarum group for support. It has actually been really helpful. Rather than wanting to scream blue murder at standard morning sickness survival tips surrounding eating crackers, ginger, lemonade icy poles and eating small regular meals to battle vomiting and nausea (that would be great if we could actually eat or drink ANYTHING), I found useful tips within the world of fellow HG sufferers. Again, gross alert, you may need to block your eyes if you have a sensitive stomach. In this group I've found helpful and practical tips for where I'm at right now, for example, about which angle to hold your head when throwing up to help reduce how many capillaries you burst in your face and eyes each time. Yep, that is the level of wisdom I need right now. The other thing that is good to see is those who go on to have a baby and report that even if their illness lasted the entire pregnancy, it stopped the minute they had a baby in their arms. The struggles of caring for a newborn seem to pale into insignificance compared to this long road of pregnancy. This is what keeps me going. This is the bigger picture that is all too important. 

As I hit the 'safer zone' and scans reveal that bubba is growing well and going strong, I pray with all my might that I will head into some better days as I get into the 2nd trimester. I am sick of being a hermit. I'm still waiting for this 'glow' that people talk about during pregnancy. My glow takes on a greenish hue most of the time, and not a shade that suits me. As a person who likes lists, I embarked on coming up with a list of memorable moments from the previous couple of months of HG hell. It is more fitting to call it the lowlights reel, as just when I thought I had hit my real low point, I found another one around the corner to overtake it. Here are some, in no particular order:

• Sore knees. The unfortunate realisation that they are not from any other useful cause other than too much pressure on them while my head is in the toilet bowl for extended time periods.
• One night, while in desperate need to throw up, the household bathroom was occupied so I quickly went outside to throw up in the back garden. While still retching outside, no one had realised that I was out there so my mother in law had closed up the house, locked the backdoor and gone to bed, locking me outside. I ended up waking up my husband at the bedroom window to let me in but seriously considered just sleeping in the garden for a moment.
• Throwing up so forcefully that I sometimes pass out. My body doesn't always recognise that there is nothing left to throw up and keeps heaving. Unfortunately this makes it very hard to breathe and sometimes causes a pass out. Not fun and always a bit scary.
• Throwing up so forcefully that I have peed on myself at the same time. Ok, this has happened on more than one occasion. Its a new level of misery.
• Pulling a muscle in my back from chucking. If I didn't have a little baby bump starting then I'd probably have abs of steel from all the stomach heaving, unfortunately not so good on the back though.
• A nice warm shower, the one thing during the day that makes me feel human. Nope, since I have now managed to throw up during a shower, the last frontier of misery has now been surpassed.
• Water, believe it or not, is the liquid I am least able to handle. Comes straight up. Why? Because life is cruel. No, ice cubes do not work either. Some pregnant women miss a glass of wine, not me, I just want to be able to drink a full glass of water without immediately losing it. Big dreams that I hold for myself these days.
• I woke up one morning feeling better than usual. I thought I would test the medication waters by holding off on anti-throw up tablets for 2 hours... After the 5th throw up during that 2 hour period I am forced to concede defeat.
• Busted capillaries in my face due to the forcefulness of constant vomiting. Puffy eyes, headaches, bleeding gums, furry teeth, scratchy and painful throat, are all side effects of the strain of vomiting and retching. It is not fun. 
• I've been too scared to look too close in a mirror for nearly a month now. I can barely leave the house except to get to hospital so forget hair and beauty appointments, nice clothes, or the energy to follow any type of normalcy. I don't even recognise the woman in front of me right now.
• *Sigh*... that's enough, I'm depressing myself.

My desperation to become a mother is what keeps me as strong as I can be during this time. Although my body is being ravaged and depleted, as long as there is a baby growing and developing in there, I will find a way to hold on. It sounds abit corny, but I have a couple of newborn jumpsuits that I sleep with under my pillow each night. Sometimes I wake up clutching onto one of them like a toddler does to a security blanket. Sometimes it is this visual reminder that allows me to face another day staring at a toilet bowl or a ceiling of the hospital. 

  My 'security blankets'- yes they're blue which means I'll probably have a girl.. Lol

Another is the comforting hand on my arm, or head, or leg from my supportive husband. After particularly bad spew sessions that sometimes put my nervous system into overdrive and leave me shaking, trembling, and gasping for breath, it is only his comfort that calms me down and relaxes me. He sees the worst moments and the lowest points. He sees the times that things get the better of me and all I can do is cry, curled up in bed. I am so blessed to have this man in my life and by my side. I have never needed him more than I do I right now. Without him I think I'd totally fall apart. I want to give this man a child so badly it seems to fill my entire core, my entire being, with desperation, love and sometimes grief. We are hanging in there. This too shall pass. Every week gotten through is one to check off as gone for good. This small percentage girl is going to crawl through to a much larger percentage one day. The percentage of women who are mothers.