Reality Bites

No pain, no gain...? I don't see it. 

So as the wheels of motivation were spinning in earnest 2 weeks ago, unfortunately it appears that meanwhile the wheels of my physical condition were actually rapidly spinning themselves off at the same time. Again my body let me down and I was sidelined for the 3rd time this year, this time with Shingles.. Eh?? Isn't that something old people suffer from? Apparently more often old people, however also those so run down and physically depleted that their body cries out for help... Right. Guess I was more run down than I was giving myself credit for.

For those playing at home who may not be familiar with the virus, Shingles is essentially caused by the same virus as chicken pox. Anyone who has suffered from chicken pox (as I did quite severely at 5 years old), the virus lays dormant within your nerve cells and can flare up and re emerge as Shingles later in life. Shingles typically presents itself as a painful rash that follows along a nerve within your body. The rash follows other fun things such as nerve pain, tiredness, flu like symptoms, headache, light sensitivity.. you know, the good stuff. In my case it attacked on the right side of my neck and head, apparently stemming from one of the cervical nerves.
It hurts. A lot. In the week leading up to the blistering rash, I thought I had a 'stiff neck' from sleeping funny or something. I was also dog-tired, head achey and just not feeling well. The stiff neck type pain escalated into a nerve pain, electric shocks running up and down my neck, shoulder and head, and making me dizzy with pain. So then I figured I better get it checked out, so I saw one of the GPs I work with and she diagnosed me with Shingles, prescribed some anti-viral medication in an attempt to shorten its time-span, and gave me a stern word about being too stressed and run down for my own good and that I need to rest more.

    The beginning of the rash.. Eew

No rest for the wicked?

Rest is not something that I do well. Being told that I need to rest to combat the latest attack on my health is definitely easier said than done. Unfortunately my current work set up at the private practice that I work at does not make it easy for me to take any time off, so the only time away from work that I actually managed during the last couple of weeks was a grand total of 4 hours, and this only happened because I simply reached the breaking point of my pain threshold halfway through one day and had to put down my instruments and take myself home. Stopping 3 times along the drive home just to keep myself safe and able to concentrate gave me concrete evidence that I was simply too sick to be anywhere but home. Additionally, I had to attend a compulsory class on Thursday morning, as I have recently begun post graduate study at Melbourne University and cannot get out of certain attendance requirements. My only god-send was that I didnt have to go to Latrobe Uni for teaching on Thursday evening, as they said that they would send me home if I turned up anyway as I need to rest up and get better, they could manage without me or cover my shifts for two weeks. I'm not even going to pretend that I was positive through any of this or good enough to remember that there are many worse off than me (and there are). I was miserable the last couple of weeks. Pain can do weird things to your outlook. I'm on the mend and feeling alot better, however I am definitely still not feeling myself yet.

To be continued..

And training? What training? Yet another health set back has now firmly put me behind the 8-ball with less than 3 months to go now until the half ironman, so I headed to both the sports doctor and to my psychologist for some professional guidance. Essentially, the take home summary is that I am realistically no chance to get myself in any type of suitable condition to complete an endurance event such as a half ironman within the time frame I'm looking at. I simply do not have the physical foundation to work from following the latest set back. Three strikes and I am out. I need to have enough respect for the distance to recognise that.

This does not count me out altogether forever, but it does count me out for any events in 2014. Although it was still ultimately my decision to make, on good advice I have recognised that I need to first and foremost concentrate on getting healthy, strong, and have a decent base of fitness before I even consider upping the ante for endurance distance. I need a stronger foundation to work from. Honestly, I have been attempting to build on a base that just isnt strong enough and my body has broken down on more than one occasion in protest. I rattled around this decision in my mind for a couple of days, I walked and attempted a run on it (further proof how far away from my goals I truly am right now) and reached this decision positively rather than regretfully.

As a wise older woman recently mentioned to me last week, who incidently ran her first marathon at age 48 and her last at 67, after only taking up running in her forties and also having rheumatoid arthritis. "Why are you in such a hurry?" ,  "As a woman in your mid 30s, you have plenty of time and future opportunity to reach these goals." , "You will reach them, but work towards them the right way". She is so right. Why am I in such a hurry? What am I trying to prove and to whom? So I took a good step back from pride, weighed up my priorities and my motivation, and decided that I wanted to take the pressure off myself. 

Countdown to race day .... to be advised.

This does not mean that I no longer train. Nor does it mean that I lose all structure and self control and become an unhealthy couch potato. It simply means that I scale back the mileage, focus on achieving greater balance, health, goal weight etc for myself. This will provide me a new opportunity to learn more about myself, try some new exercises, and essentially get back in sync with the humming tunes of my body.

A more important list than my standard 'To-Do' List

The doctor made me write down a list of the physical set-backs that had occurred since April this year so that I could see in black and white where I was truly at. Not pretty. The psychologist gave me a similar exercise to recognise the emotional and life events as well as the physical issues that I was not allowing myself to work through and build strength from. Discussion with my psychologist helps me recognise my tendency to disappear into a bubble of stress, take on more than I can chew, and stop listening to the most important voice of all. My own.
Diagnosis? - I think I am my own stubbornly worst enemy haha.

Ahem, this is the hard part. So here is a combined list that I worked on of what was identified as possibly effecting both my stress levels and my health throughout 2014. Also that I have been foolishly ignoring and neglecting to address:

Physical:

• Fractured sacrum - 8-10 weeks minimal training until healed
• Tonsillitis - 1-2 weeks in struggle town, more time off training
• Shingles - 2 weeks minimum rest before allowed to return to full training
• Weight issues - constantly fluctuating weight, currently still 10-12 kg overweight. Impacts effective training, performance and recovery.
• Insomnia - intermittent sleep deprivation does not maketh a fully functioning woman or aid recovery or energy levels

Emotional, mental, environmental... other:

• Emotional eater - see above weight issues (Yes I do sometimes eat my feelings!)
• 40+ hours working/studying - difficulty with time management strategies for training and growing work stress
• Post-graduate study - I began my new degree in Psychology in July. I love it but it increases my responsibilites and time pressure away from work.
• Changed work hours/addition of new work - even though I have recently reduced hours at the private clinic from 40 to 32 hours, I am actually still seeing the same number of clients, just condensed into 4 days instead of spread over the original 5-6 days. The 'spare' day on Thursday is now filled up with morning classes as a student at one Uni followed by teaching Podiatry at another Uni in the evening. So I'm actually busier rather then less so as originally planned.
• Death in the family - losing my beautiful nan was difficult
• Death of a pet - losing my beloved cat was also sad
• Moving house - apparently always creates some stress and adjustment issues even when a positive move
• Minimal time out/no holidays - no holiday time to speak of since xmas time which turned out not to be relaxing anyway
• Dealing with a traumatic incident - getting robbed at gun point during my last trip to Africa didn't really leave me with anything but stress at the end of my last so called 'holiday' from work in December/January. It takes a long time to recover from something like that

A Blessing in Disguise

I don't want any of this to be taken as a whinging-fest, or that I feel sorry for myself, or think that I have anything more difficult in my life that is worse than everyone or anyone else. I know that I am truly blessed, eternally lucky and extremely privileged in all facets of my life. I do not want to sound unappreciative of any of this. The gift of life and the relative comforts that we have here in Australia is itself something to be celebrated. Experiencing a near miss, especially whilst so far away from home, in a foreign country has enabled me to appreciate and value the here and now more than ever before. This blog is simply a way for me to write down some of the things that roll around in my head and keeps me more honest with myself than I could potentially otherwise be. Even though its open for others to read, it is essentially a journal that I keep online instead of in a book. I believe in living out loud, being open and honest. I don't have anything to hide. If I draw criticism for any of these things than so be it. I do it for my own selfish reasons, to organise my thoughts, to be accountable, and to show myself and others that I believe that there is no shame in openly displaying your weaknesses and flaws as well as your strengths. Don't get me wrong, if my biggest worry is whether or not I can train for a recreational endurance pursuit that I choose to do and enjoy, then I am doing magnificently well.

I think I have a weird self protective defence mechanism that clouds my judgement and ability to recognise when I am getting stressed out or when the dark jaws of depression are beginning to nip at my heels. That is why I value professional and objective opinions when I need it, that I attempt to understand my head space, and why I write a blog. We live in a society that I believe has the tendency to pressure people never to show weakness and to be almost super human at times. It appears that many people feel as though they must be seen to be able to juggle careers, children and the many pressures of life, all whilst looking fabulous, being supremely fit, able to whip up gourmet quality meals in half an hour, never giving in to temptation and polishing off a packet of chocolate biscuits, keeping their houses magazine quality perfect, having the latest technology.. etc, etc.. blah! blah! blah!.. Yikes! Sometimes I think we all just need to give ourselves a break, embrace our frailties and stop presenting to the world the picture perfect, always have our shit together persona 24/7. Life is too short, too valuable, and simply too precious to get caught up in this type of stress. If your so-called friends are going to judge you harshly because you have disorganised papers and unfolded laundry in your house, that you sometimes eat a cheese sandwich and a packet of tim tams for tea because you cant face the kitchen or a chocolate free life, then they are friends you don't really need.

Be kind to one another, we all need it.

The Battle between the Ears

102 days till race day... Come at me triathlon, come at me.

Going Mental

Mental training. We hear a lot about it, read about it, and know about the importance of it in sport. Mental training often involves concepts such as visualisation, techniques for focus in difficult training sessions and its use to maximise performance during events and competitions. In my opinion, mental training should ideally include all facets of your life. I believe that an integral part of mental training is to identify where any doubts and fears may lurk as well as the imbalances that we may hold within our work-life-happiness systems. It is right now that I am currently working hard on these aspects. It is important for me to recognise where I have doubts and what fears I have, what my main motivations are, my priorities, and why I truly do what I do. By working through this knowledge and eliminating these doubts is how I can truly develop myself, reduce doubt and fear (or do it anyway) and achieve my goals both in and out of the sporting arena.

It is paramount to be truly honest with yourself for this and ask yourself the right questions so that you can  draw out where your true motivation and drive comes from and even more importantly know when this is coming from a positive or negative force and adjust accordingly. For example, is it actually more important for you to fit back into those size 8 jeans that are sitting in the cupboard or to run up that hill 10 seconds faster than you did last week? Why do you really sometimes justify that you need to sleep in an hour longer in the morning rather than get up and fit in that kick arse training session instead? Are you more frightened of not getting to the finish line of a race, or actually having to tell someone that you didn't make it? There are no wrong answers and either option is acceptable as long as you recognise them and know what it is that you are actually chasing.

5 Things that I have already learnt about myself in this process -

1. Tuesday is the day that I am least likely to train:
It is the day after rest day. The first day of the training week, so you would think it would be the most likely day to be motivated. I think that it has something to do with its tendency to be the busiest day of the working week for me, although a standard 9-6pm day. I possess a weird difficulty with getting out there for hard training sessions after a full day of work, maybe more so because I often feel more depleted from the mental tiredness of dealing with people all day rather than the physical tiredness. I also despise the winter, so I can be monumentally soft at starting a training session once the dark and cold of the night has already settled in. What I  need to do is suck it up and get out there anyway. P.S. I am also a terrible morning person, so the option of a really early start for a session before work is almost a complete write off on days that I have to leave for work by 8am.

2. I am still terrified of riding my bike on the road again and getting hit by a car:
A few years ago now, only 5 weeks out from competing in the Shepparton Half Ironman, and in the best fitness shape of my adult life, I got hit by a car whilst out on a training ride on Beach Road. From this I tore my right calf muscle and did some serious damage to my knee. I recovered slowly and did not 'jump back on the bike' as quickly as I should have. The reality is that I have not effectively ridden out in road traffic since then, nor have I tackled the triathlon training for that distance level event. Until now. So both the race and getting back out cycling  is an important monkey on my back that needs to be shaken off and a personal victory that I attach importance to.

3. I have a hang up about not being fast enough and about my weight:
I am not blessed with a natural athletic talent/ability or a physical build to go with it. I am currently actually very self-conscious about my weight. I also admit that I don't want to come last in the field or have someone scoff at what I'm doing because they don't think that I'm fit or fast enough to be competing. Yep it's out there, I sometimes do care what other people think. I also have half a wardrobe of nice clothes that I currently do not fit into, and I want to get back into them. Despite these somewhat superficial concerns, I am currently working hard at squashing these doubts and finding MY version of fast, MY personal best, and learning to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

4. I am mentally tough enough to get through almost any training session once I have started it:
I may not have the ease of ability, but I can work hard and I can make up for it with heart. I don't quit once I'm out there. I hold zero doubt about my mental ability to tough something out. This is an important strength for me as I believe that the physical strength and prowess can catch up to my mental strength over time.

5. I find triathlon training a comforting proof that despite having rheumatoid arthritis (RA), I will not be rendered physically useless:
This point probably requires its own dedicated post. For those playing at home that are unfamiliar with what RA is, here is a definition:

 rheumatoid arthritis

1. a chronic progressive disease causing inflammation in the joints and resulting in painful deformity and immobility, especially in the fingers, wrists, feet, and ankles.

Yes I have abit of a chip on my shoulder about it. Ask my boyfriend how stubborn I can be... especially when it comes to admitting that some days RA gets on top of me. I was diagnosed a few years ago now, however it is still probably in its early stages. This was one of the many reasons that I took on running a marathon in 2012. At the time I was battling with a Rheumatologist, who told me that I should hang up the running shoes forever. I know, I know that there is some merit in that, but only from the standpoint of reducing impact and joint destruction, not giving up on exercising altogether. 
Triathlon gives me 3 disciplines to choose from so that I can often decide what I can do even on 'bad days'. Initially my feet were the most effected and running regularly has often been simply too painful and too difficult to sustain. These days my hands and wrists are by far the worst effected. I understand how someone can ask me how I could possibly train for something like a triathlon if I often struggle to get through my working day? Or consider such a physical test if I move around resembling a 90 year old woman for the first 2 hours of each day. (This is probably the real reason I'm not much of a morning person these days.) Podiatry work is daily battle at this time of year as the winter months bring more pain and flare ups. The reality is that I constantly have to use my hands at work for practical treatment, scalpel work, and handling of  instruments whilst maintaining accuracy and fine attention to detail. This unfortunately wreaks havoc on the pain in my hands and if I'm completely honest here, I sometimes find myself shedding frustrated tears when alone in my consultation room,  in between patient appointments, counting down to the end of my patient load or next chance to get to the heat pack. The second harsh reality associated with this is that my days in practical treatment of Podiatry have a deadline. At this stage it is dependent on how quickly I can finish my Psychology studies and move into the psychology field. I will probably talk about this more in future posts.
Fortunately the saviour of my sanity with all this, is that I can often still run when my hands are sore. I can swim with probably the least amount of pain, and the bike can be tolerated even though gripping those handle bars can sometimes be tough. So yes there is a hell of a lot of motivation about completing a couple of important triathlon events for me, that are tied into not being beaten down by this annoying auto-immune condition that I have.

Happiness is in the journey rather than the destination

I find it easiest to reflect and hold a mental workshop with myself in two scenarios. When I'm driving alone in my car, and when I am running. My brother and I have talked about the concept of 'moving meditation' before. That feeling of a clear mind and body whilst running or exercising, allowing whatever random thoughts to simply pass through and reaching an almost meditative state. As I've previously mentioned, I know that this occurs for me largely when I'm swimming. Running doesn't really give me this feeling. For me, when I'm running, I seem to be able to think more clearly, I can sort out problems in my head, and take on any uncomfortable thoughts or concepts I haven't wanted to deal with during my daily life. I get to 'live inside my head' during these times and I value it as important 'me' time. Cheaper than therapy? Definitely.
I recognise now that it has been running that has probably been the true catalyst in helping me recover from bouts of depression in the past. When I run I can sort out and face up to what I may have tried not to think about during other times when I have to wear my 'game face' and keep everything together. During some really low times that I have experienced, when I have walked around feeling completely numb and empty, it is when running that I have relished its feeling of physical pain and exertion as a reminder that I am alive, and that I can 'feel' something. It is no surprise that I ended up training for and running a marathon not too long after my previous marriage ended. When people sometimes say after a hard day 'I need to go for a run', I get it, I totally get it.

The good news about running, is that I also enjoy it when I'm in a happy place. Such as now, when I am probably the happiest and most content that I have been for a very long time. Therefore running and training also serves as a bonus level of happiness and motivation to add to my life. Most of us would include achieving happiness as one of our major life goals yet all too often we get so caught up in the continual strive for 'better' or 'more', or the tendency to believe we will be even happier when we get to Plan A or B, live in a particular place, have a certain job, start a family etc, etc... So we end up missing out on enjoying the present moment for what it is. I love the statement "Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life." So true. Make sure you recognise when you are actually happy, because it is during these times that you are truly living your life in all its capacity.

Paint by numbers

List item #8: Write a new post in my blog

I like lists. I like making lists. I like ticking off items on the list as I complete them. I like using a highlighter AND a pen to do the ticking and strike through. I like post it notes. I like to restart a list on a new page if I believe that I can no longer complete the original list that I first began. It does not feel the same to put it in electronic format or on my iphone, I get more satisfaction out of physically writing these things down. I know that this may point to control freak tendencies or probably some form of deep seated pathology. I know this and I don't mind this side of me at all. With a list I get things done, I feel a greater sense of accomplishment, and it helps to organise my thoughts and priorities. It is no wonder I enjoy shopping at Officeworks so much. Stationery utopia.

Its a numbers game

I also like numbers. Not in the 'Yay lets do some maths equations and algebra!' way, more in the 'How many days until...' or 'How many more minutes of running..' format. I like to keep countdowns until significant events. I like to crunch the numbers in my head as I am training. I often break down a training session into blocks of minutes. For example; for a 50 min session on the bike wind trainer, once i start pedaling, I will probably approach as 5 X 10 min blocks, noting each little milestone along the way as 1/4 done, halfway, and then begin counting down the minutes once I get under the 10 minute mark.

It keeps my brain busy when I am doing something that I find physically difficult. It also seems to enable me to complete the longer sessions and increase my mental strength when the entire training session at the beginning can feel like a long way to go. 

I also do this when swimming at the pool, but mainly because I so quickly lose count of my laps/lengths. I sometimes almost need to repeatedly tell myself which lap I'm in for the entire time I swim it so that I don't confuse myself. I'm not sure if I just have a mind like a sieve at times or whether it is because I find swimming so meditative that I can switch the brain off to everything except the most simple ideas. In a 50m pool, I consider each count an up and back 100m. So, last night I had 1200m to swim so I counted that I had 12 laps to do to reach my mark. Swimming is going well, and I found I have handled this week's jump from 800m to 1200m swim session better than I expected.

Back to Good

The above paragraph heading is not only a song title for a Matchbox Twenty song and a poor expression of the English language, it is what I have been singing for the past week as I happily discover that the pain in my previously fractured back has all but completely subsided. Thank goodness. I have managed to continue non impact training throughout the last month, however I did not report much on this as it was pretty boring stuff and went by without any drama. I am still on track for November's half ironman, I just need to begin to re-introduce the impact slowly throughout the next few weeks.

I miss the running outside the most, and am HANGING for that to creep back into the regular routine. It just has not been the same forging on with the combination of treadmill running/cross trainer set up, but at least I have still managed to work on my overall fitness this way. So as an overall training report.. Swim - pushing along unimpeded and doing consistently well. Bike - reluctantly sticking to stationery stuff until I know that the base of my spine can handle the impact of the road, however consistently completing these sessions in 45-60 min blocks of steady riding. Run - combo of reduced impact, that will slowly begin to branch out to road/trail running. Concrete is not my friend and to be avoided as much as possible for the majority of my training right up until November.

The body is a temple

Unfortunately the body is also a nightclub floor or a rubbish bin at times. In the previous month I have made a concerted effort to really work on not only my training regime, but also my overall eating patterns, my sleep, my mental health and well-being in its entirety. The full package. My boyfriend and I often discuss the changes that need to be implemented and work together to help each other figure out the areas we are most likely to succeed and fail when it comes to living the healthier and fitter lifestyle that we are both craving. We want to establish good habits for ourselves for now and in the years ahead. We also want to maintain and show a good example and way of life to any potential children that we may be lucky enough to have in the future. Plus we want to look hot in our old age.. haha!

Already I have lost 6 kg since getting serious about cleaning up my eating habits. Seeing tangible progress on the scales and in my measurements provides ongoing motivation. I am aware that at times I still fall off the wagon, but instead of beating myself up about it for the following couple of days, I am learning to accept it and move on to the next meal without worrying so much about it.

My alcohol intake has markedly reduced. I think I have only had about 2-3 beers and the same of wine throughout the last month. This has improved my sleep patterns, reduced bloating substantially, and generally helped to minimise how much weight I hang onto and improved my training recovery (which I will need more and more as my training levels increase).

Nature's way

As someone with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I have the potential for this time of year to seriously bring me undone. I live with alot more pain in the colder months and sometimes find just getting through the working day using my hands a challenge in itself. I do not consider it an option to load up on painkillers and other medication for my condition, particularly as some of these medications reduce their effectiveness as time goes on, have their own nasty side effects and cumulative effects, plus are toxic to me if I'm considering having children anytime soon. So yesterday I went to see the local Naturopath for some advice. I liked her immediately and found her thorough, understanding, and seems to practice with a nice balance of holistic health rather than peddling a particular product or making me feel like she's about to start slapping fish above my head. I have been given some homework (happily put straight on the to-do list), including keeping a food/trigger diary which of course is right up my ally as I get to write down things, highlight them and keep a check list of what is happening. My diet is being geared towards reducing inflammation in my body, working with my blood type, increasing fibre, and regulating my digestive system. I also have a hormonal imbalance that will be tackled in due course. Although I may have stepped straight out of the appointment into the shops and polished off a packet of balsamic vinegar chips, then promptly forgot to take the liquid of 'clean out' last night, or remembered to put my chia seeds on my breakfast this morning, I'll get there soon enough. 

   Puffy hands.. Although a 'good' day

    Puffy feet, the joys of RA..

Its all about the bike.. 

Lance Armstrong wrote a very successful book before we all discovered that he is actually a drug cheat called 'It's not about the bike'. For him it may have been more about EPO injections than his bike, but for me right now, it certainly feels a lot about the bike. I am quietly obsessed with improving my current bike set up and eyeing off a new set of wheels/bike frame if I get serious enough out there on the pedal action. I have spent some happy time in the bike shop, discussing all the ins and outs with a road bike enthusiast/shop assistant, who has not made me feel like a moron for not understanding every latest component and bike gadget, or feel like I should not ride unless I can sustain over 35km/hour for 8 hours of riding. He was  happy to re-explain to me how to use my long forgotten chain breaker tool, and explain the genuine improvements compared to the trumped up ideas in bike world. He also acknowledged and agreed with my need to distance myself from the triathlon 'in-crowd' mentality. I want to ride something that is comfortable and works with me rather than against me when I'm riding long distances, not because it has whatever the triathlete snobs consider acceptable and looks pretty in transition area. I don't need to worry about the 20g weight difference in a small bike component of the gearing system. I need a saddle that won't tear my butt apart when riding over 80km..

    Working on the bike..

    Changing tyre tubes

.. and back to numbers..

So I have some numbers floating around to get down on paper, simply because it makes me happy:

• 129 - the days left until race day
• 6 - kilograms of weight lost & the number of training sessions I'm currently completing per week
• 10 - kilograms of weight left to lose until goal/racing weight
• 19 - the number of weeks (now closer to 18) remaining until race day
• 499 - the minimum dollar amount of almost anything worth having when seeking new triathlon equipment
• 32 - the number of hours at work when my new work hours kick in in a couple of weeks that will allow room for the other exciting things coming up in my world
• 3 - the number of coffees required per day to consider myself a functioning human
• 7 - the number of nights per week that my boyfriend falls asleep on the couch before he's finished talking about what subject we are on
• 12 - the number of items on my current list
• 17 - the number of minutes left before I need to leave the house to go to work
• 174 - the number of sleeps until christmas...

Fractured Plans

Time flies when you are having fun

Or super busy.. The last few weeks have been a crazy whirlwind of activity and I have not had adequate time or internet set up at home to be able to write throughout most of last month. My boyfriend and I have now moved and settled into the new place, and have slowly been readjusting my schedule, routines and work/life balance to suit this new phase. I'm happy in my new neighbourhood. I'm now living abit closer to most of my friends and family, however I am still in a good position to drive into work relatively stress free, and I am also near some nice trails for training and an area that gives its tree lined streets a beautiful colour during bright autumn mornings. The universe seems to have been smiling on us and this recent decision for a change up.

     The picturesque street that I now live in :)

Getting all the pieces of the puzzle to fit.

Training?

I have been throwing together bits and pieces of my training plan, managing to do most of the cycling, swimming and non impact sessions, however I have been struggling with the impact aspects of the training schedule. This has been largely due to the ongoing and niggling lower back pain that I have been dealing with since that stupid gate fell on me whilst still in Mordialloc over 6 weeks earlier.

    Awesome trails near home for training :)

I have ventured out on a couple of short runs on the local trails, which by the way are awesome and very picturesque, however I have been battling with this niggling back pain. Recently I've also felt some weird numbness and cold patches in my upper leg that made me start to question what is actually going on. For a health practitioner that tries to educate people regularly on being better attuned to their own bodies and acting on health concerns. In this instance, I have been guilty of not living by what I preach to others. I have continually ignored it, thinking that I was dealing with a muscular injury in the right side of my lower back that was not getting ample opportunity to heal due to how busy I have been.

My boyfriend happened to lightly press on the sore lower right back area during a stretching session that he was helping me with and promptly reminded me that such a high degree of pain from light touch in this area is a fair sign that something more serious is going on, especially with the additional neurological symptoms that have popped up recently. Hmmm. Good point I thought. Turns out that he hit the nail on the head.

A picture speaks a thousand words

A CT scan has determined that I have a fracture, albeit healing, but still a fracture on the right side of my sacrum (a bone at the bottom of the spine). This has been responsible for the ongoing pain and the associated inflammation accounts for my symptoms, including some of the neurological weirdness. Its funny how some things seem to all make sense so suddenly when you have the accurate information in front of you, the pieces suddenly fit into the puzzle very easily and appear quite obvious. Hmmm, on paper it does sound worse than it actually is though. It is a stable fracture, and not displaced. This means I can safely move around without risking something more serious happening.

     Anatomy picture for those who prefer visual anatomy lessons

My treatment involves avoiding high impact activities for another 2-3 weeks and until full healing has occurred and I am symptom free once more. The good news is that I am not discounted from swimming, my gym work, and some of the cycling. I still have time to execute adequate training in my plan, which is the advantage of a long range goal. All is not lost in the training regime thanks to having three disciplines, allowing me some flexibility in what I can get my body to do.

Most importantly, I have some new gear that needs to be used haha. Priorities. I have a girly new Garmin watch (I destroyed my other one) for running and swimming, and a new bike computer to play with too. 

I am also a member again back at the old gym and swimming pool that I used to go to probably over a decade ago. I feel at home there and am in my comfort zone. With some significant tweaking to my training during recovery, a close medical eye on me, and the right strength and conditioning tips and progress, all is not lost. I refuse to be defeated by my own body.. and that bloody gate.

Love being back swimming in this 50m heated outdoor pool

The Right Path

There is no rainbow without some rain

Today ends another tough week and thankfully the end of April, in what turned out to be one of the more difficult months of the year so far. I have not been able to do ANY training during this week due to being almost completely bedridden thanks to a terrible bout of tonsillitis, with the exception of intermittent bursts of work and a funeral. On Friday, I said goodbye to my beautiful 97 year old nan, the last of my surviving grandparents. It was a actually a nice day/night spent celebrating her life, it was sad but quite pleasant too. Although I was emotional and the throat/voice was still in struggle town, I am proud that I was able to get through my speech at the funeral, my tribute to a tough, independent and awesome woman. So when I finally collapsed into bed last night (Saturday) I was well and truly emotionally, physically and mentally out for the count.


This morning I woke up early to drive my boyfriend to the airport as he is heading away for a work conference for a few days. It was only after I dropped him off that I actually realised that I have the next few days on my own. I had not really thought beyond each day as it had hit me until this point. I knew I needed to use this time to try to de-stress and fit in some 'me' time. Still early, the drive home was relatively peaceful as I travelled on quiet roads and the appearance of an amazingly bright double rainbow made me smile. Had someone been sitting next to me, I'm sure they would almost have been able to hear the gears shifting in my brain as I was lost in my own thoughts and positivity was re injected into my mindset. Behind the scenes were niggling thoughts at the back of my mind, all about getting into a training session as soon as possible. Although I definitely noticed a physical improvement today, I had already made a deal with myself to hold off on any training until Monday, even if I felt well enough to train by now, to ensure that I could give my body an extra 24 hours of natural healing following the antibiotics and to re build some 'oomph' for my next training session.

Stress less

I have become more familiar with my own signals and feelings of stress and how to tackle these effectively. Throughout the week, and particularly on Saturday, I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed, although I didn't have any particular reason to have been feeling that way on one day compared to another. This feeling creeps in when I am too wound up. In this mode, I often feel agitated, I feel on edge and anxious and as if I'm close to tears. These have become classic triggers for me recognising my need to 'go for a run'. As I have mentioned earlier, running gives me a sense of calmness, immediately reduces my stress levels and creates a feeling of moving meditation at times. I have learnt that as much as I can do other stress reduction activities, such as reading a book, having a bath or heading to the zoo, what really works for me as the most powerful outlet is exercise. I respond best to moving my body, especially outside in the fresh air.

At home, after messing around with my email, facebook, and other mindless time wasting activities, I decided that what I needed was a walk in the fresh air. I put on trackies and comfy walking clothes, deliberately wearing ones that I would not feel comfortable to run in so that I would not be tempted to break into running when out there. A not so warm 10 degrees outside, the wind was bitter cold, but I had timed it well enough to be out in a sunny patch of the day. It was exactly what I needed. Rugged up and comfortable, I walked for an hour along the familiar running path up and back along the beach. I could almost feel the stress and tension leaving my body as I walked. This weekend is the last full weekend that I will be living right next to the beach so I took in the water and the beachside air for potentially the last regular time on this well trodden path. This suburb has treated me well over the previous year and I will miss living at such close proximity to the water. Who knows, we may be back close to water one day in the future. I plodded along thinking happy thoughts and playing out possible future scenarios in my head as I wandered along from the pier to home.

Stick to the plan

Perusal of my training plan has given me some optimism that I will be back on track more quickly than I had felt I would during the week. Fortunately the previous week was scheduled as a light training 'recovery' week in the cycle, so I did not have as many sessions missed as I originally feared. I made some small tweaks to my training for the next fortnight, slightly lowering my intensity and distances of these upcoming sessions to enable me to build back up abit more gradually into full training again. I know that I am feeling better because I am viewing the schedule with enthusiasm and the doubts that had crept in over the previous few days are quickly dissipating.

27 weeks to go until race time.

I have sufficient time and I am excited at the prospect of resetting the clock and moving forwards with greater force and a healthier body to prepare. Just in case I am feeling too complacent, I convert a long sounding countdown of 27 weeks into days.

188 days to go.

Yep, that sounds much closer and more urgenet. The time will definitely arrive quite quickly.

After a hot shower, more comfy clothes and some soup, I have now settled into the lounge room with the Sunday paper, a fitness magazine, the laptop and my book all at the ready to fill the rest of my day. I aim to make the most of this moment of pause as I head into what is sure to be a crazy upcoming couple of weeks.

The Bare Minimum

Bending over backwards

The last couple of weeks have been a battle to stick to my training while still nursing the back injury I sustained when my carpark gate attacked me. Work and cycling seem to aggravate my back the most, so I have found that I have only been able to complete the key sessions for my training plan. This does not worry me too much as I am still getting through swimming, the shorter run sessions and have done some of the cycling although I am taking it very easy. I have had the back assessed, and it is a muscular strain that will recover as long as I look after it

Im frustrated because I know that I cannot continue for too long on this bare minimum schedule. I will need to be back at full training capacity very soon so that I can set myself up for the longer training sessions that will gradually build up heading towards half ironman distance training. I am trying to remain positive, even as I sit here in bed today, bedridden with a nasty bout of tonsillitis to add to the fun. This is going to prevent me from doing ANY training for the next few days to a week I would imagine.

Busy, busy, busy

I am also insanely busy at the moment with packing things into boxes at home and preparing where my stuff will be moved to in the coming weeks. Soon we will be moving into my boyfriend's family home, back into suburbia, so we have been working pretty hard to clean up the spaces at both places. Despite moving numerous times I am always amazed at how much stuff I have kept that I don't seem to use. I am trying to be ruthless and cull some of this stuff. This has been taking up alot of our time and although you get abit of a work out lifting and moving things around, it still does not compare to a decent gym session.

   My boyfriend hard at work...

Camping

Yesterday the removalists came to move our bigger furniture. It was the only free day that we had between now and the end of the lease in a couple of weeks. We are camping out with the smaller stuff for the next couple of weeks, using camping chairs and camp table as our 'dining' area and little mattresses on the floor for our 'bedroom' upstairs. The washing will be done at the laundromat if we need and our biggest challenge is getting by without a fridge for the next week or so. The esky will see us through some of it. So it is really like camping, except in a townhouse..

 Our 'campsite'.. My cat Lucy is included of course :)

     Makeshift dining room..

From ANZAC day elation to tonsilitis hell..

As I mentioned earlier I have also been struck down over the weekend with severe tonsillitis. Anyone who has had tonsillitis knows how it can flatten you. I have not been this unwell for years. I had been feeling not quite right on Friday and by Sunday I was in a terrible way. ANZAC day festivities were brilliant on Friday. I watched my dad march in the city in the morning and attended our annual 8th devision, 4th anti-tank ANZAC day service at the usual pub in North Melbourne for my grandpa's second world war veteran mates and their families. There are 9 remaining veterans alive for Pa's regiment, and 2 were able to attend the march on Friday. Although these numbers are dwindling, the turn out from the remaining families remains strong. It is a always a very good time, very moving too.

   My dad proudly marches for his dad

As an avid Collingwood supporter, the ANZAC day footy match is always a highlight. The minute silence amongst 92,000 people at the MCG prior to the game is absolutely incredible and never fails to give me goosebumps. I am fortunate that as a full Collingwood member, I have a seat at both home and away games so I am always guaranteed a ticket/seat to this game and each game of the season. It was a great game this year and we came away with the win this time, so I was extra happy on what is always a great day.

    Powerful pre-game anzac tribute

Although I had planned to head out in celebration with a couple of friends from the footy, I was not feeling too crash hot so I went straight home instead. Good decision. By Saturday afternoon I was rocking a very sore throat. Saturday night I was hoping that the sore throat was a precursor for a cold/flu type virus and would disappear overnight and become a more manageable cold. Nope. When I woke up early Sunday morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck and my throat was more sore than ever and closed over with swollen tonsils that made breathing and swallowing difficult and painful. I already have very large tonsils anyway, that are scarred from previous bouts of tonsillitis as a teenager. I probably should have had them taken out in my early twenties, yet when I was told that the next time I got tonsillitis they would have to come out I then did not have it again for the next decade.

My boyfriend took me to the doctor as I was too sick to even contemplate driving. We laughed at how the doctor reacted by reeling back when he looked in my throat, and I jumped at his suggestion to have an injection as well as the prescribed antibiotics to try to get some improvement more quickly in a particularly nasty case of tonsillitis. With a temperature of 38.9, I was feeling hot and then cold changes every 30 seconds, standing up made me feel like I was going to pass out, and I needed to stand for a little bit as my butt was sore from the injection in the first hour following the jab. Not fun times. I got as many liquids in as I could, solid food has been impossible. 

 My man got me a much appreciated throat soothing slurpee

This morning I am not quite as sore however I still feel terrible. I am forced on bedrest for at least the next couple of days. Talking is difficult so lucky I have this blog to feel like I'm talking to someone :) I have learnt my lesson in the past though and with a body so run down that it is now stopping me in my tracks, I am forced to listen to it and take some time out to rest and recuperate.

Back to Back

Running on empty

Since the falling gate incident last Wednesday, I have established that the main two offending injuries sustained include my right side lower back and my right shoulder. It appears that I managed to avoid further bruising largely by pushing upwards with my right arm and leg to reduce the impact from the gate and in doing so caused some muscle strain in these areas.

The pain from these put me out of action from training Thursday - Saturday this week. I have been forced to allow some rest and repair. Today, I managed to head out for a run with some trepidation. It turns out that I actually found it not too difficult to complete following a decent warm up. Mercifully only 4km was required of me today and the lower back held up to the impact of running on the softer running tracks. I only seemed to feel it when crossing over patches of concrete.

The shoulder is also loosening up, which is a vast improvement from Thursday morning when I was unsure how I would handle a scalpel blade handle at work let alone get through a training session. Thankfully today I have noticed a huge improvement and am hoping to complete a swim training session tomorrow night.

Self-talk

Pushed to the end of my emotional rope this week more than an average week, I found it difficult to combat niggling negative thoughts and self-talk. Therefore his week enabled me an opportunity to do some valuable mental training. On Thursday and Friday, as I was struggling to get myself to and through work, unable to train, and still very teary and sad about the death of my cat, I was viewing not being able to train for a couple of sessions as an entire derailment of my training plan. A view that had been fostered in my past through previous failed attempts at training programs and not reaching the start line of planned races/events. This attitude will not do at all, it does not get things done or dreams achieved.

What I recognised yesterday was the need to adjust my view of this week's small hiccup as exactly what it was, a small hiccup. Obviously it is detrimental for me to blow a setback like this one out of context and construct a defeatist attitude within myself. Missing only two key sessions of training within its early stages, one a 900 metre swim, the other a 45 minute bike session is not going to render me unable to put together enough training altogether to complete my triathlon in November.

Although I understand that too many missed sessions, no matter how small, can lead to being unprepared and unconditioned for an event, I also understand that there are no gains in pushing through a session when not physically fit enough to reasonably complete them as there will be no training benefit gained anyway. Additionally, in the past I would have immediately looked to double up on training within the next week to make up the lost sessions. I have also learned how detrimental this can be, often leading to over-training, extra pressure and further breakdown. The reality is I have not missed much and I am already back on track, being able to finish today's allocated training session without a hitch.

Ben & Jerry know exactly the right things to say

So this week's training has become about mentally allowing myself to recover, recuperate, re-focus and re-establish my rhythm and my enthusiasm. Despite beginning to write this blog during a highly motivational, lifestyle changing, good-habit forming phase, I want to put my hand up and admit that I am still not immune to some of the weaknesses and issues that led me to being overweight and unfit in the first place.

On Friday I purchased a tub of ice cream with full intention of seeing the bottom of it and using it as an emotional band aid for my troubles. Luckily I only had time for a few spoonfuls before I had to leave the house to go somewhere. However, with that ice cream sitting in my freezer all weekend, I still found temptation too difficult to resist, and this evening's dinner mainly consisted of Choc Chip Cookie Dough Icecream. Yep, I'm a work in a progress..